"Chill out" is an understatement. I have a coping mechanism set up now to deal with my behavior. I have my mother make me promise her to follow my desired behavior. It's a crutch, but it works for me.
Current promises: "I promise that I will not apologize to W anymore" "I promise that I will not make first contact with W unless it is about D"
Added today: "I promise that I will not talk to W AT ALL unless it is about D for two months."
As for this not really being over... well, I really am going to start dating. The lack of meaningful adult interaction is REALLY starting to get to me. Board games and soccer are REALLY helping me, but they don't fully cut it. I need one on one adult conversation.
There's also (and I'm NOT saying that I'm looking for this, but I am not sure I'd turn it down) the problem that losing almost 65lbs has brought my sex drive back with a vengeance.
My date on Saturday will satisfy the first, and has no chance of satisfying the second. I'm comfortable with that.
My date on Saturday will satisfy the first, and has no chance of satisfying the second. I'm comfortable with that.
Just a word of advice from someone only a couple of months ahead of you, on my journey. My first couple of dates didn't do me any good. On the contrary. It left me with an empty feeling, fear of rejection plus multible other negative (sad) emotions. Honestly it almost made me feel as if I cheated on my XW (yeah insane, I know). They actually set me back a little bit.
And even if you're in top shape, be prepared for the possible outcome, that if the mind isn't functioning 100%, the body might also not be. And that could add quite some damage to your confidence, which is certainly not what you need right now.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
"Adult interaction" means a good conversation, and I guess more importantly the direct attention of another human being (of the opposite sex).
Also... it's hard to feel like I haven't been thrown away like trash. I know I am NOT trash, that I'm not defective, that I'm a good man. I have a good sense of self worth at this point, and working on me has reinforced that. I want to find out if someone else can see me the same way.
I also think it's part of letting go, giving up, and moving on. People get stuck when something like this happens. They end up not being able to move on. I don't want to be stuck. I want to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
There's also the fact that life has taught me that "you will never have good things happen to you if you don't put yourself in a position for them to happen." Sure, bad things can happen, too. But that's life.
and... if I'm being completely honest, this is reclaiming personal power. Telling W (who doesn't want me anyway, so this isn't so valid) that she lost her chance with me. That someone else is going to have me eventually.
Nothing you say sounds weird to me. I'm afraid I'm going to feel like i'm cheating, too. I need to find out if that's true. I have some fear of rejection (and even some indications... like I said, I'm positive this date will not lead anywhere).
I'll also say, though I really don't want to admit this, "failure to perform" is a concern. I've been dealing with that for a while now, and NOT anything to do with my marriage. If everything worked right, I'd be pleasantly surprised rather than crushed if it didn't.
Actually, I'm not as sure as I was when I first wrote that. I'm going (well, at least I hope I will eventually) to have to face that test at some point anyway, though, right?
I have one other thought... I'm trying to not be a "nice guy" anymore. I'm trying to have and accept that I can have wants. And I WANT this. I genuinely WANT this for ME.
Why did I let myself get sucked into this roller coaster this weekend? I was doing well. I was happy. I was getting my stuff together. Today I'm a wreck, my anxiety is through the roof, and I can't focus on a damn thing.
To me, dating at this stage does sound like it's for you. But not for you to heal. It sounds selfish and vengeful. Why else would you tell W about it unless you wanted her to feel something one way or another.
You still sound quite attached (which is ok and normal), but to me,it doesn't sound like a healthy state to be having dates.
Remember this also. The opposite of being a "nice guy" isn't being a duck. It's just being NICE. My understanding of being a"nice guy" is that it isn't very nice. It's passive aggressive, manipulative and controlling. I wouldn't think being selfish or angry is the opposite of that. I would instead aim for compassionate, empathetic, understanding, etc.
I'm pretty sure I really did just say it to hurt her.
I only told her because I was hurting. I didn't plan to. I actually planned NOT to. Forget any legal issue (lawyers appear to be split on this issue), I really didn't want to rub it in her face or hurt her. I didn't plan to have yesterday happen the way it did. I'd take it back if I could.
My want here isn't to be a duck. It isn't to be vengeful or selfish. My want here is to be happy. To have something for me.
For twenty years I've been taking care of people. I haven't wanted jack. I haven't asked for jack. The last time I remember WANTING something FOR ME was Christmas 2008 or so. First W spent more than what I wanted for me, and got me a bunch of stuff I didn't want or need and a gift card. The cynic in me believed that she wanted me to give most of it to her. How she acted when I used the gift card reinforced that. I haven't asked for anything since then.
I want this for me. I want to look into the eyes of a woman and see her looking back at a man, not look into the eyes of someone who I would've stopped a bullet for and see nothing but anger, pain, disgust, and contempt.
I want my feelings validated. That I AM worth something. That I DO have merit as something other than a father. I believe these things, but I want someone else to believe them too. And I don't want to just have those feelings validated with words. I want to have them validated by SEEING it. In a few months, when I'm ready, and I find the right person, I want to have them validated in a more primal way.
I don't know any way to start down that path other than this one.
