Coly.....I have read through your sitch and things with you and your H sound so much like my sitch. I'm sure many of us have many similarities.
I totally understand all of your sadness, hurt and frustrations. I went for an extended period of not speaking to my H and it was the hardest thing for me. I didn't understand how he could not reach out. After not speaking for over 8 weeks I reached out to him, just for purposes of speaking about our dog who was ill at the time (we do not have children). He was nice, we had small talk, and that was about it. I was confused after speaking to him because he was so nice. Something I didn't expect because he had been such an A$$ to me for so long.
Something that was difficult for me after speaking to him was I thought, surely now that he has FINALLY spoken to me he would want to reach out more......I was so wrong. That was very hard for me to grasp. We would have small chit chat every couple of weeks...usually via text and only about our dogs, and I was the one who would initiate it. I still was pretty upset that he didn't want to reach out more.
I am not sure when it happened, but I finally decided that I was ready to move on with or without him. I told him, and I think he was very surprised. I also think that my anti depressants had finally started to kick in, and I was feeling a bit more like my old self . Little did I know that was when he was starting to work on himself.
I know it is difficult to not have expectations of your H, but trust me it is the best thing to do if you are able to. I found when I did, he would disappoint me, and that would set me back. I needed to continue to move forward, and as difficult as it was for me, I didn't reach out to him as much as I wanted to. I found myself not caring if he called or not. I still thought about him every single day.....a million times a day as a matter of fact, but I didn't let that control my thoughts.....again, something that was very hard to do.
Now that he has started to reach out to me I find myself not wanting to answer his phone calls or texts. I still think about him during the day, just not as much. I also am fine if I don't speak to him.....again something I never thought I would feel.
I know everyone says this but you have to focus on you. I finally started to do that and then my thoughts about H started to change. I started to think maybe I don't need him in my life. I will be fine with or without him. If he wants to be in my life then he can do the work he needs to do and I will continue to work on me.
If you do end up having coffee with him please don't have any expectations, or an agenda of what you want to talk about. I found that when I brought up R stuff, or things he didn't want to hear or talk about, he would shut down.
One day at a time Coly. Please be good to yourself.
. Little did I know that was when he was starting to work on himself.
