I am feeling some sort of way. First, my trip to mexico was amazing, of course. Then I returned for less than a week and my sister went into labor, so I left to go visit them. I made it in time for the birth. with that though came so many emotions of, last time my sister had a child my Wife was there, and being in nursing school she was an amazing help. This event marks the last of "the firsts" I have officially done everything once, without her. I have survived all holidays, all trips, all life events without her. I did it, I was / am happy. To an extent. But at the same time I feel like I'm dying inside again, every day. I can't help but to miss her, yes it's less and less each day. However, I still just want a hug from her. I think back (and I'm aware i need to stop) and picture her and I and our hugs, intimate and loving. and then, I don't want this, but at the same time how could I ever love her and be with her again? Very difficult place to be.
Idk. I also just realized, Like right this second, I haven't been taking my anti depression meds continuously since the beginning of the month. which leads me to believe I'm extra feeling everything because of it. But also makes me wonder, are they just numbing my real true feelings? is that healthy? So as I began writing this I was in tears, then realizing I'm crazy AF, and that If i was back on my meds like I should be, I would probably be more rational and less emotional.
