If anybody has any thoughts to share, I can sure use some input on what to do now/next. As I mentioned in earlier post, last night I let "are you going to see someone?" jump out of my mouth when H said he needed to go get gas, H got angry and irritated, although he did give me a nice good bye hug as I left to take S to class.
Saw OW in just a passing glance as I was going out of building, I thought she looked unhappy, maybe even like she'd been crying and wiped a tear away. S said he didnt see her because he turned his head because she makes him sick to look at.
H was standing in driveway as we pulled in, said he just got back from his walk, was going to get gas and did I want to ride along with him. I noticed his cell phone was in his pocket...he must talk w/OW a lot while he walks, which explains why he doesnt often want me to walk with him. that never dawned on me before.
So, I rode with him, we chatted. When we got home, he was kind of cool/distant; I said "you seem like you're angry at me" and he said, "I am, a little", I asked what about what I'd said made him angry and he said "the hawkeyeing and clinging"...I told him I was sorry, I wasnt doing very well right then.
when we went to bed, I tried to "entice" him and he wasnt interested...said he was "tired"...I told him that was ok, that he'd just turned me into a "naughty woman" ...he said he didn't think the naughtiness had anything to do with him, and he wondered if I hadn't been "secretly naughty" for years, and asked "have you?" I had no clue what he meant, and told him "I guess it depends on what you mean by secretly naughty"....don't remember the exact words, but it came out that he was talking about me having an affair!!!!!! I told him I never had, and he just said "huh, well you sure weren't naughty with me all those years".... So weird....I swear I've never so much as looked at another guy since I met him....I've tried to ask myself why he would think I had...I can see I was kind of cold and distant emotionally, and gone a lot, much like he's been during his A....So what do I do now? how do I handle this? I still havent gotten the results from the HPV testing back, so havent said a word, but that will be a bomb waiting to go off. At least I had sense enough to keep my mouth shut until I know what's going on there.
this morning, I apologized for losing it (as per DR) and he said "it's ok", kind of cooly.....
So what do I do now? I know why I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, it's because I am, just a few words in a simple question caused such a huge backlash (good example of chaos theory?)....... I'm thinking I should: -- let it go, I've said I was sorry 2x, and mentioning it more will just irritate and remind him more.... -- absolutely refrain (somehow) to ANY reference to OW what so ever....It really sets him off...."what works" is obviously not saying anything...we do much better and get much further when I act "as if" the situation doesnt exist. This is difficult because it really feels like "enabling"....as Dazed mentioned, or denial, but maybe in reality it's just a more advanced step of detaching....DR talks about the techniques going against the grain of everything you know/have learned...maybe that's why it feels so hard and uncomfortable to stay in "lala"land...and yet there is not much I can do to control what he does, all I can control is how I respond, and hopefully in a manner that will draw him away from OW and back to M...so from that standpoint, doing what works and "as if" the mess didnt exist would seem to be the way to go (thinking out loud here). I wonder why he has such an intense reaction to any reference?
One huge question in my mind that causes me trouble is "if he really is not seeing OW, why doesnt he make an effort to reassure me"? I dont know what to think there, other than in the "reconnection" post I copied, it says they will "test you as they never have before to see how you will respond to them and what they have done"....maybe that's it. I can't think there was any reason for him to tell me he wasnt seeing her if he still is...I did restate that I wouldnt live with it forever the night he told me that, though....but he's heard that before. I guess one indication that maybe he isn't seeing her is that he use to use mouth wash all the time....absolutely drove me nuts....I mean every 15 minutes before he's leave when I thought he was going to see her. and the after shave was strong enough to take your breath away from across the room...I don't notice that so much now....maybe thats a good sign...talk about grasping at straws!
How do I handle him asking/thinking I've had affairs? that really caught me off guard.....don't have a clue what to think/do, even aside from the STD issue......
What about the phone calls to the OW? I know I can't stop or control them, but is it progress if in fact he is not seeing her but he still makes all these phone calls? Do they ever give this up?
It's really scary to me because I'm so afraid just a few words that will slip out will drive him right back to her....maybe that's why things are so much better when i act as if the situation doesnt exist.
I got an email from H about 20 minutes ago....think I'll let him cool his heels a little bit, although I'm sure he has a legitimate question.
input, please, if any body has any thoughts.
Things seemed to be going so well. I guess I have to remember mndad's post about things getting worse as they are getting better, and 3 steps forward and 2 back....
It sure doesnt take much to bring on the 2 steps back in my sitch, though.
