Kind of a quiet day, and night last night....H initiated goodbye kiss this Am before work, I like to think he enjoys them as much as I do; had a fun "quickie" last night, he seemed enthused, I like to think that's a positive. I found a card I had written to him months ago but never gave him in my planner, so I tossed it in his lunch, got an email from him that said "thanks for the card, it was nice" (I dont even remember what it said) so I like to think thats a good sign.
Yet I worry and am anxious -- last night he seemed more cheerful, and I worried that means things are good w/OW again; of course I worried when he seemed sad at Easter & Monday that he was sad over how to tell me he's leaving.
talks about the future: vacation, getting another TV, we just bought a vehicle together and are doing some loan consolidating together...I can't see why he would even consider this stuff if he was planning to leave, but still I worry. Does any one else think this does not sound like what somebody who's planning to leave would do?
I have a goal of going until the end of June with absolutely no mention of R or OW or anything....I hope I can make it and see what effect that might have.
I'm sure he still calls her...I found he'd opened the cell-phone bill and took out 4 pages of it....plus I wouldnt be surprised if he still writes,
I just hope and pray he's being honest that he isnt' "seeing" her anymore...it's so hard to stay "detached", but I guess I'm getting some better....I thought of checking to see where her car was at lunch today, and then thought what the hell difference does it make and didn't....
Maybe I'm anxious because this is religious ed class night for S, and I've been taking him at H's request (H & OW used to meet there).....I've been just dropping S at door instead of going in becasue I can't stand to see OW...poor S hates seeing her also, so maybe I need to suck it up and be brave and give moral support.....S says OW looks unhappy when he sees her there, though.
S commented last night how his dad "seems to love you", (undolicited comment), when I replied "He does?", S said "well yes, I've seen him kiss you and say I love you when you didnt even do anything"
So why do I feel so anxious still when it would seem there are so many indications things are going in the right direction? Plus, yesterday I felt much more confident...I didnt sleep very well last night for some reason, maybe that's it....
