I am not religious or spiritual for that matter. We were raised without any religion. I do not even know if I believe in GOD. But I took great comfort in this quote, so on some level I must believe somehow.
When I first came onto these boards, I had no understanding of what was going on. I tried to make sense of it. It was really hard for me to accept it because everything was shaded in this giant cloak of secrecy.
My STBX continues to deny gambling, and infidelity. He recently admitted to a problem with alcohol. (which I was oblivious to until I went through really old credit card statements) He would neither admit to nor deny a more serious drug problem. There is a lot of financial indications that point this way. As did everything else. I went back and read a lot of my old posts. My descriptions of my ex and our marriage all pointed to some one living with an addict.
I had no clue. I was really oblivious to the signs. I do not think I was a codependent. Only someone very ignorant and someone that was easily deflected and gaslighted.
I am very sick over this, because it seems like the drugs he has a problem with are drugs that are not easy to overcome. I am pretty sure that they are hard core. Its sad because he just had everything going for him. He is so smart. He went to top schools and earned top grades in an area that is certainly not easy. He is a hard worker and was always able to figure out things that others could not. At one time he was really a nice guy. He cried during my labor because of the complications and pain I was going through.
He really turned into someone that was so manipulative and so selfish and so evasive. It was this slow progression and hard to recognize and identify. I knew something was wrong. I was mad and resentful of him frequently because of many of these very selfish behaviors and because of the lack of transparency. And it all now makes sense. I was living in this really crazy and unfair world that slowly got worse and made less and less sense.
If I found out and he did not leave me, I do not know what I would have done. I do not think I would have left him. But I would not have reacted well to all that loss of money. We had so much potential as a couple. We were 2 professionals. Yet, here I am living with my parents like a knocked up teenager.
I am conflicted because I know this is a disease. I know now that he left me, because the only way he could avoid facing his financial destruction was to end our marriage and blame me. If i had found out, which I would have he would have had to answer to me. He would have had to admit something, that he is not even admitting to now. (he cannot because of custody and legal implications). He refused a drug test. He continues to deflect and his main concern is ensuring his own resources. He is still functioning at a high level (if you ignore huge amounts of debt and financial mismanagment and no more marriage). I know that in a few years, he cannot sustain this and its really sad.
In the after school television programs, they admit there is a problem, apologize and get better. That's not really the case here. When I asked him about all the money that was unaccounted for his response was "it was my money. I could spend it anyway I wanted" we were a married couple that had moved in with my parents because I thought we needed to save for a house.
But here's the thing. I don't feel good moving on. I don't get this great sense of satisfaction thinking of a future and listening to Gloria Gaynor. I feel really sad for how this turned out. Like its this bad dream I cannot wait to wake up from. Or perhaps like its this alternate path in my life that was never going to be actually lived by me.
I am just so normal. I do not like to stand out. I like being free of drama and conflict and I always made decisions based on practicality. So this being my life is hard to deal with. I hate that at work, I am pittied. The person that people will feel bad for. I feel really bad for my STBX because he is similar to me in that regard, yet this seems to have fallen upon him. And I know how ashamed he would be if he was capable of really seeing what happened. I do not know if he will be able to ever fact the reality of what he has done.
So right now, I have really mixed feelings. I do not know how to proceed. I need to realize that he is not him anymore and keep my son protected, but at the same time I need to be realistic and work within the system and look at things from a grayer perspective. I have to make decisions on how to proceed. I need to worry about the best financial arrangement for my son and I, but at what cost? And understanding that if ex does not get help there is little future any how.
Last edited by job; 04/30/1704:43 AM. Reason: Add link to previous thread
