I just figured out my previous thread locked, so thought I'd start this one....Kind of got locked out in a bad place as I was in the middle of working on "homework" (yes, Dazed, I'm working on it!)and doing lot's of brainstorming. Link to previous piecing thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=679229&page=1&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1&vc=1 (I hope!) will be back to post later, busy weekend and busy day to get caught up here at work. I might just mention though, Have you all checked out the MLC forum? I found a neat post there last week on reconnection that I thought was very interesting in my sitch, and might be for some of the others I talks with here.
I'm not even sure what to post today for an update....I havent gotten much done on my home work, Dazed...but I'm thinking a personal goal I need to work on is to quit obsessing (haha!) and let some of this stuff happen on it's own. I don't think I'm doing all that bad of a job, I think our R is much improved, and frankly I just don't think H is going to go anywhere....I'm scared to say that for fear of jinxing the sitch, but he makes references to the future that make me think he isnt....we just talked Thursday and Friday about doing some refinancing/restructuring....H wants to go ahead...theres no reason to if we arent together...he talks about vacation, going camping, cutting wood for next fall.... some of the stuff I've read in midlife crisis about the stages and reconnecting make me think he's beginning to reconnect. Of course I want him to tell ow it's over, tell me he's told her that, and put his ring back on, but I know he's a proud, person who needs to feel he's asserting himself, so it will be in his time, not mine.
as far as the "reconnecting", the post talks about that they will first reconnect with their families....I was struck yesterday at inlaws how much more "connected" H was than at new years, when he was weird and withdrawn and quiet...(day before I caught him shacked up w/OW and S--t hit the fan) and at Thanksgiving when he said "I don't want to be around those people" and left the state. Yesterday h played and joked and laughed and talked...was pleasant to everyone... the "reconnecting" also talks about them beginning to reconnect with their children....he's started doing things w/S again...little things like shooting bb guns on weekends...that he used to do; I got him new shoes & suit for D's wedding, and he thanked me, said he thought D would appreciate it & that it was important to look nice for it (this from the guy who was talking about dying his hair orange for the occasion 2 months ago), and last night he spent about 45 minutes talking to her on the phone (previously refused to even talk to her when she called). The post talks about them reconnecting with pets....he's picking up the little dog and hugging it again, talking affectionately to the big ones, where he used to just yell at them.
It talks about them becoming interested in their home's again....H came and got me 2 x a week ago to take me to the gardend to show me flowers that were blooming and ask me what kind they were, commented how the garden needs lots of work (he hasnt noticed or cared for years) and this morning I had an email where he mentioned the cold snap we're having being bad for the flowers....
The reconnecting post says they reconnect last w/the spouse....maybe that's whats starting to happen w/him inviting me to walk, etc.....he is starting to initiate hugs a little also.
According to the post, they get rid of the op towards the end of the "replay" stage....If in fact he's starting into "reconnection", maybe that is coming soon.
I hope I have realistic reasons to be hopeful and am not just "straw grabbing"
DEB! I am so excited for you. There are some really positive steps here. I feel that you should give yourself a pat on the back and also feel really good!!!
Hi Rottz, I read some of your thread to get caught up this morning, havent had a chance to post, but will try to get over & do so soon. I keep trying to be calm and positive and have faith....but it's so hard for me not to get anxious! the mlc post talks about that also, though, and how important it is not to let them know how anxious you are for them to make a decision.
Oh, one other thing I forgot to post, we watched tv just a little last night, H was in "his chair, across the room from where I was, and I thought at one point it looked like tears were running down his cheek, and he seemed sad...I sat and watched him, thought at first it was shadows, but the lines didn't change position on his face as he moved 9don't know if he saw me staring at him or not)...he seemed/looked kind of sad then also, and I noticed in church and a couple of times at his folks he looked kind of sad....I try to focus on the positives and baby steps, but can't help but wonder what this can mean....
maybe it is a positive though, perhaps he is giving up Ow and doing some mourning for that...I really honestly feel like things are better between us, and I don't think he would be saying/doing the things he is if he is getting ready to leave. He is such an enigma right now... I also watched his huge, rowdy, boisterous family yesterday, and couldnt help thinking OW doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell if she gets in to this!!!!
I thought I'd move a couple posts over here from my old thread for easier access, so I can keep track better...1st is my homework assignment from Dazed: Hi Deb, sorry I wanted to reflect more on your posts before continuing with my comments and you know how work has a way of interrupting our BB chats.
First, I am not a fan of ultimatums. They exert more pressure than most people, even on good days, can accept. Secondly, I don't want to give the impression that what you are doing is wrong. I just believe that there needs to be more consistent efforts in specific ways.
Let's look at the short terms. My rule of thumb is they must be easy and attainable. And for these first ones I want them to be YOU oriented. This aids in the detachment process. Make them fun. We’ll set R goals later.
Detaching: This, you must realize is for YOUR mental health. From a couple of comments, I get the impression that you may think this involves being colder and possibly more distant from hubby. Sue’s thread sums up my interpretation very well so I won’t repeat them, just link to them. My feelings on this is detaching allows you the mental clarity to see options you can't when you're right there in the trenches. Here's Sue's link which is the best I've found on the subject: Sue's Detatch Thread
Pursuing: There are certain things that can be overdone out of our desire to get things moving. A simple ILY from hubby one day does not open the door for us to shower him with ILY’s every day. Let’s step back here and do what JoAnne my DB coach said to me and ‘respond in kind.’ Never would I suggest that you should appear cold or unappreciative of hubby’s affection, just allow him to set the pace.
Let’s set the baseline at the emotional level you feel that you are at today and begin to build goals from here. It seems that there is a greater comfort zone emotionally at home now. This is good. We have to KNOW what set this about. And then the next step is identifying what it was that attracted hubby to you in the first place. And as difficult as it may be, what attracted hubby to OW now. You see, we need to glean what hubby feels he needs/wants from this conglomerated persona and see if you would be comfortable adopting some of these traits yourself.
Now for the long terms I need you to specify what you see as best case scenario’s. They don’t have to be as specific or even attainable as the short term, but let’s be realistic. I would like three.
So, homework for tonight is three short term YOU goals, review and refresh Detaching threads, and three long term goals.
then I thought I'd move over this post from Mom2two, because I didn't even get it responded to. Do you find it difficult to both be more attentive, affirming, etc with him *and* concentrate on fulfilling your own need to do things for yourself? I find it hard to strike a balance.
I think there is *definitely* something to the spicy sex life, sexy clothing, losing weight thing. My dh and I had lunch this past weekend with a guy we haven't seen in 17 months and Gary (the friend) went on and on about how great I looked -- "younger, sexy, all toned and everything" were his exact words. Though my h has hardly made a comment on the weight I've lost or the exercise I've been doing, I'd guess he has noticed other men's reactions to that and the sexier clothes I've purchased recently (just a hunch).
I have taken pains to spice things up in the bedroom, and my "so shy about sex he won't even buy condoms" h has been very receptive. He even read me a sexy story out of an erotic fiction book last weekend! I had never before heard some of those words spoken by him in any context. So keep up the sexiness!!
gonna try to check in with folks before I post much, but was just thinking about H's MLC....had what I thought was really definite confirmation of it this weekend... I watched as H played a really rough basketball game w/sibs/inlaws on Easter...(not quite up to that rough and tumble yet). One opposing player was niece' boyfriend, probably 23 or 24; H was really rough; commented afterwards that he wanted to "make sure that little smart-a-s punk knew I could kick his a-s and wipe the floor with it even if I am 50 years old"....Yikes, ok, no more Mr Nice Guy there! sure sounds like MLC big time to me!
I have to post a chuckle from Easter, too. BIL commented that I looked really nice....I laughed and said "So I'm a hot mama now!" and he looked kind of surprised and said "sure do"....H was there, didnt say a word, but I thought "hahaha!"
DAzed, I have to post your answers to some of my questions on Rottz' thread! I just found them! they are so great, of course I like answers to sex questions!
Ladies, as hard to believe as it might, I DO ACTUALLY WORK!! But right now I'm between appointments so the doctor is in!! Or can I be The Love Pirate
Recreation, and of course it feels good. I can’t believe you ladies just want sex only for the emotional connection. There is a mental bonding that happenes even with quickies. Intercourse and foreplay make me feel alive and young. It feeds the desire all men have to be needed and wanted. This is such an intimate acceptance of a man.
Sometimes sex is more intense yet also more intimate, more of a ML experience, after some of our heated discussions....day before valentines and last Thursday night come to mind....Why would this be?
I call this the ‘After fight sex rush.’ The adrenaline is pumping for the fight or flight reflex, and just intensifies things. The release of the pent up frustration/anger plus the reward of sex and bonding heighten my orgasms.
Something else I wonder about: within the last 2 months, H is just absolutely "wiped out" after ML (but not so much after "just sex")....he will even say "I can hardly move"....sometimes he will actually drift off to sleep while he's holding me....I don't remember him being like this before, except I think maybe when we were 1st married. causes this? is it something emotional, or is there a physical difference, or a combination, or just "old age"?
There is a physical release of hormones which I think are serotonin / melatonin, but I don’t remember for sure which send us into a VERY relaxed state. I would take this as the best compliment.
The buildup of fluids in a man's prostate actually is uncomfortable and a man feels the drive to release. This is one reason why they masturbate, as a physical release.
While this is partly true, the body has a way of releasing seminal fluids without coaxing. This is what wet dreams are, an ejaculation caused by a dream. Also certain medications will cause them and I found (unfortunately forced to find out ) sometimes after long periods of no sexual activity, with or without W, I will ejaculate after urination without prompting.
The specific term you’re referring to is blue balls. Without a release of the seminal fluid, the testicles will grow enlarged and become VERY sensitive. This happened to me more when I was younger, after heavy petting with girlfriends etc., when I was trying to control the amount of masturbating I would do.
My wife used to think when we first got married that every time I had an erection, we’d have to have sex otherwise it would not go down. If that were true, I’d have never made it through junior high. I’d get an erection if the wind would blow the right way.
thanks...things I've wondered about a lot were answered here! Plus, I found your reference on another thread to some one making themself the "manager of the Limbo Bimbos" LMAO...I'm gonna use that in my homework goals!
