Lurker ready to ask for help with WW/WAW sitch!

[RunRec]

Thanks for the reply Tread! I definitely know she still cares about me, she shows it all the time. The guy she had the A with was a handyman that did some work for her company. Totally different kind of person than I am. I'm a desk job, northern liberal type and he's a redneck work with his hands guy. I don't know anything about him save what's available on his public FB profile, but I'm assuming he's uneducated. She's already made it clear she wasn't in love with him at any point, and that her feelings for him weren't real. It was about escaping our relationship, not specifically about him. She hasn't had any trouble going NC.

It's funny that you say "I can tell you now she isn't giving up her hobby for you" because you couldn't be more wrong. As a matter of fact, I GUARANTEE she would if I asked her. She already wasn't going to go on this trip to California, and I convinced her she should. She wasn't going to pursue the summer league, I pushed her to do it. This is all part of my 180, pushing her to go and do these things that she wants to do. I don't want to hold her back from anything any more.

I don't think she'll do anything physical with her coach. I know she won't talk about her marriage issues with him (she hasn't told anyone on her team that we're having problems and I'm at every game they have so her team is aware she's married and unaware we're in crisis), but I consider the flirting and stuff to be on the border of an EA. The only way I see it going any farther than light flirting is if alcohol is involved and it's some sort of impulse ONS type deal. Even then I consider it very unlikely. Of course I'm dealing with a WW spouse hear, so NOTHING is impossible.

My biggest concern is that we're trying counseling to reconnect, and so if her emotional desires and heart are with someone else (coach) I think it will be very hard for me to get her to open her heart to me to reconnect. Sandi2 talks about how even an emotional affair even in the imagination can be a barrier to reconciliation. That's my anxiety.

Since I posted yesterday, I sort of settled on sticking to the 180/GAL and continuing to try to slowly reconnect. Hopefully I'm overreacting about the coach, and she's being honest that there's really nothing romantic there. I consider that unlikely, at a minimum I'm assuming a biological attraction, but if that's really all it is and she's really being true to the MC process if I come on strong I'll just push her away. Just need to trust the MC process and make myself too good to leave.

I feel like one major thing I have going for me is that she still LIKES me. Like, you said to her I'm a monster but the monster was our relationship not me. She likes to spend time with me, and whether she admits it or not I can see the connection coming back. She's said it a ton in counseling and to me one on one that she doesn't hate me, and she isn't disgusted by me, she's just not in love with me.

One thing that gives me a ton of hope is that during the miserable parts of our marriage I was suffering from active alcoholism. Now that we're attempting marriage recovery, a lot of the positive changes will be connected with my getting sober and a lot of the terrible things that happened in the marriage will be associated with addiction behaviors. So there's a clear association with why things can be different. Another major incentive to stay sober.