But that is SO MUCH EASIER IF HE'D JUST GO DARK, like it used to be. Then I'd have no hope. But this little stringing along crap, bit by bit.... I'm not good at this.
2x4 incoming.
But you can be.
You recognize that you have expectations, and those expectations will trip you up. You didn't recognize that your hurt feelings about the concert were yet another expectation.
Look at the language you use: "stringing along crap." That tells me you're in victim mode and you assume some sort of motivation on H's part to trick you and treat you like a fool. And, honestly, Leah, I don't see any of that happening and I don't know why you'd want to put yourself in that role when that doesn't seem to be happening.
I give you so much credit for being in touch with H and holding it together. I've been reading more about MLC and the process, and it strikes me that you're where the piecers are, and it's been said it's one of the toughest parts of the journey. When you "see" that person that you knew and loved, and they're sort of there but not really, but they're reaching out without any sign of regret or commitment. And that makes the LBS want to rush and push and pursue, in a "get over it already and come back" effort. But that's the single worst thing to do because it reverses the process.
Your H is on a journey, just like you are. You seem to have some self-esteem tied into him coming back to you, to "winning." (No judgment, I think we all feel that to some extent) And I think that you might do well to examine what that's about. Why, when you, Leahsue, are good and a full person all on your own, is this one person the answer to your problems? I know you love him, but he's not the answer. You're the answer. You create your happiness.
I'd also recommend that you read more about piecing, because I think that will help you find the balance that you need. Pursuit and distance, too. When you get anxious and hurt (because of those pesky expectations), you seem to pursue, which only makes him distance. Remember that you are the prize and he needs to be pursuing you and you can't get to that dynamic unless you create some distance.
Go read your H's words again: "This is so much more than a concert." He places importance on this, too, but he's not quite ready for what you want, for whatever reason. He's still cooking, and you can't rush it.
Keep moving on without moving on. Move forward, but leave the doors behind you open. Don't become so tied to the idea that he'll come back, as difficult as that is. Becoming tied to an outcome alters your choices and behaviors in the present, and you might subconsciously create exactly what you fear.
No matter what happens, you're going to be okay. Even better, you're going to be happy. Can you believe that, really and truly?
