Roller coaster day. My fault for allowing myself to get dragged into it.
Appointment with therapist went well. She said she's seen some good progress, and that I was much more upbeat. I felt like it was good session, but still a lot more of me letting stuff out than focused therapy.
Appointment with lawyer also went well. I have the final agreement for W to sign. If she signs it, D will be final by late July / early August.
Operation GAL continued smoothly tonight. Showed up for my group, BS'd with some folks, everyone enjoyed the Woodchuck Amber cider I brought with me ("Lots better than something like Angry Orchard!"), started playing a good game. Around 8:30 I called to talk to D before she went to bed. That's where the trouble started.
Had a good conversation with D, told her daddy was at a party and having fun. She was on speaker, so W heard all this. When D went off to finish watching her movie, W actually wanted to talk for the first time in I don't know how long. I kept it short.
About 20 minutes later, I get a text about how she is happy that I'm doing the things I always wanted to do, but she's bitter and hurt by me, because this is all she ever wanted to do with me, and I waited until I pushed her out of my life to do them. That's what she means when she says she wasn't worth my time, etc. She wasn't much to me, etc, but best wishes for my continued growth.
I SHOULD have ignored this. Alas, I did not.
I told her I didn't know how to respond to this, that she threw me away and made it clear she was done with me, that she replaced me with someone else. That I started trying to be a better man for her, but she wasn't interested, and that she said she was never coming back. What was I supposed to do, cry for the rest of my life? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and she told me our family wasn't worth saving. Kaizen will call me on this, but I told her again that she was always good enough, and that even when she was screaming at me, I still wanted to love her forever.
She gave up on me, flew away with the money I gave her for xmas to see another man and made me pay for the rest. Practically laughed about it when she came back, and was smug about what she'd done.
I was so wound up, I actually sent her the damn email I wrote her when I was journaling, and told her to believe it or not, because it didn't matter anymore.
She came back telling me how much she hated me for letting her go, for not showing her enough love or showing her I wanted her, and how she can't put up with it anymore. That she will always love me, and wonder why I gave up on wanting her and showing her.
There's more in this vein, but I don't want to write about it. I was literally shaking in anger when the conversation started, who the heck is she to tell me how I felt? By the end, I was just drained. I left my fun night out a few hours early and went home. I just didn't have it in me to keep going tonight.
The funny part is that I don't feel sad. Or angry. I feel like this is the last push I needed to walk away from this. That she'll never be able to get that kind of emotion out of me again, which means there's no way she can control me (except D, but L says that's not going to happen).
If I could find the woman I married, I'd probably still try to make it work with her. But that woman is long gone, and she's never coming back. And that's my past... not my future.
