First time here part 2

[leahsue]

OK friends, I really need some input. I lost my stuff, all over the place, in texting with H last night. Just some history- this past Christmas, (with me not having a clue about what was about to happen), I bought tickets to see Soul2Soul concert, (up north, near our home), b/c F and T songs were very instrumental in our early days. I decorated a little box, and made all these things about date night, again, clueless. He didn't seem all that impressed, but now I know why. Anyway, the concert is this coming Thursday night. He called yesterday, just casually, like, Hey, what's up? What are you doing this weekend?, etc. I just felt myself sliding, once again, into this ANTI-DB frame of mind, and I should have just hung up. But OH, NO, of course I did not. I just kept plowing ahead, and eventually said, so are you going to the concert? He said, probably not. When is it? I said this Thursday night. I did not jump in and try to keep the convo going, which would be my normal way, but I just sat in silence. He said, would it make you really mad if I gave them to S and DIL? Well, I reacted in my natural self and said- I don't care what you do with the tickets. It was my Christmas present to you, so you do what you want.
If I was honest, I would have said, No - it doesn't make me mad, but it hurts me so deeply that you wouldn't just say to me, can you just get on a plane and come here and let's go on the date?
Anyway, I didn't. So we hung up.
The more I thought, of course, the more I hurt and the madder I got. So I sent a text and said, basically- why wouldn't you just invite me up and us go to the concert? Then I said some other really dumb things, and just laid myself bare- no dignity at all, which I'm so ashamed of. Pretty much said, you can come south any time you want, and of course you can see the work done on the house, but at this point I see no reason for us to see each other. If we were working toward any kind of future together, that would have already happened.
I know, I know. I ashamed of that enough for a collective us.
It was late his time by this time, and he did not respond. That's his typical response anyway, to not respond, especially when I get crazy like that. So I didn't expect one. This morning, he sent a text that said- I'm not ignoring your text. I will answer as soon as I get a chance.
Whatever.
About 2 hours ago, he sent this-
I truly thing that you coming here would do nothing but make things worse between us for the simple reason of the changes I have made to the house, and C staying here (like our 2nd son, who's bunking there to save up $)- I truly think our best shot of having a chance would be me coming down there. This is so much more than a concert.

I have not responded, b/c frankly, I don't know what to say. For the first time in a long time, he seems way more mature than me, thinking calmly, and he's probably right, about all of it. I'm just tired of waiting, frustrated, lonely, and want to stop this tug of war that's inside of me, with my heart in the middle. YES, I know that I still have to detach. But that is SO MUCH EASIER IF HE'D JUST GO DARK, like it used to be. Then I'd have no hope. But this little stringing along crap, bit by bit.... I'm not good at this.
Please, someone hit me with the 2x4. I am just ready to enjoy everything again, and not have to think so much about what I don't need to be thinking about. I'm a hot mess. But thanks to this whole mental train of thought, I'm better than I would be if I'd not found this website. I'd probably already be divorced.