Have been feeling particularly flat today. Instead of going to watch a movie as I had planned after work (WH's night with DS and I try to keep out of the way, and do GAL stuff), I went home once I was sure DS would be asleep. Got home at 9, when I would normally get home around 10.30-11, so WH was surprised to see me. I was praying he would just leave as he normally does, because all I wanted to do was have a hot shower and have a good cry (makes me feel better), but he wanted to talk. I walked straight past him to the kitchen, and he came into tell me some nuggets about DS, and then about his parents (they are visiting tomorrow and staying with me - give me strength!), and then about his car which he's selling... He would tell me one thing, then leave and then come back and tell me another thing, and then leave and then come back. At one point he asked me if I was all right. I looked him in the eye and said "yes, just tired." No way in hell he's ever going to know he causes me pain anymore.
He wanted to talk about the house. He wants me to agree to sell it. I don't want to. I love this house. DS loves this house. Legally I haven't got a leg to stand on. My lawyer said no court would insist I get the house. So whether I get the house or not is down to WH's good will. He asked if we could talk about it, which to me is the equivalent of talking about divorce settlement.
WH has been to see a lawyer, in March. But he hasn't mentioned the D word, not yet.
I told him tonight I didn't want to sell the house, that I understood he would have to take out some equity to get his own place, but I would like to retain it otherwise and I would be the one to worry about the bills. He looked pained at this and said, "No matter what you think of me, I don't want you or DS to ever struggle." I just looked at him, said nothing, nodded slightly.
He's being so nice, so caring. He's said to me a few times over the last few months that he cares about me, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing (continuing to pay half share of bills despite having left the house) if he didn't care about me. I never respond because in my head that's just crazy, insincere talk.
I got a book that Bluwave was talking about in one of her earlier threads, about nice guys, and my WH Is TEXTBOOK. Because of this I am confused as to whether he does care about me, or whether he cares about being seen as a nice guy.
Before he left, he came back into the kitchen again and invited me to stay around on Sunday morning. WH and his parents intend to give DS his birthday presents early, on Sunday, because I am taking DS to see my parents in my home country for 3 weeks in May - my father and DS share the same birthday and this is the last one they will be able to spend together if DS goes to school here. I looked at him and said ok. This is a 180 for me because normally I would express my hurt by avoiding him.
Frankly I really don't want to be around him. It hurts me too much. It hurts me to see him and to see how relaxed, happy and untroubled he is. The end of our marriage is killing me and it doesn't seem to faze him at all and that is so painful for me to see. But if I keep avoiding him/holding him at arm's length, we're never going to have a chance to reconnect and he doesn't have a chance to see I've changed. So what do you think, am I right to hang out with him around, especially since he's more or less invited me? He based the invitation on what DS would want, saying that he knew that DS would like to have us ALL there.
When I tell my friends about stuff like this that WH does, they just tell me it's evidence that he's moved on so so far away from the marriage that he's able to treat me like a friend. They say, and my therapist agreed today, that this behaviour indicates he's so completely moved on that he's able to have these interactions without any pain, to the extent that he thinks I should have no pain as well.
Honestly, if I didn't live where I did, in a built up neighbourhood, I would be outside screaming obscenities at the moon. Just that kind of day.
