I've been off the boards for a while, well, because I kind of got upset with the whole DB thing. Because it shouldn't be called DB-ing really. Divorce Busting. IMHO, this is why so many newbies get confused as to what DB-ing is. It's not really about divorce busting. Divorce busting is what happens as a side effect, IF you're lucky. It's a misnomer really. I think I would prefer it if it was called GAL-ing or healing. Or even standing, because that's probably more accurate, but without the Christian motives. I don't see how you can say someone's successfully divorce-busted even if they've healed and moved on if they've got divorced.
ok semantics grumble over. Sorry everyone just needed to get that off my chest.
I've also not been posting because, well, I didn't know what to say. I found that by reporting on interactions with WH I was getting focussed on him and not my development, which wasn't helpful to my detachment. Not to say I'm detached now.
I've been seeing a therapist who tells me I am clinically depressed. Tried 2 lots of antidepressants, unsuccessfully, both made me feel very ill.
On Wednesday for the first time I felt truly suicidal. I think it coincided with a bunch of things - not sleeping well, the realisation that WH is not coming back, and DS being a total brat at bedtime. Put him to bed at 7.30 and he was still rolling around at 9pm. When he finally fell asleep at 9.30 I was shaking with frustration, anger, just all round misery. Because in my head I was thinking about the nice time WH was having with OW, while I listened to my DS NOT falling asleep. And when he falls asleep, what else do I have to do except read my self help books, pray, cry or do housework? Yes, I know I should do something more constructive, but I don't have the attention span to read any fiction or even watch a tv programme, let alone a movie. Back to the clinical depression diagnosis I guess.
So once DS fell asleep, I burst into tears, went down to the kitchen and got out a knife. I had every intention of finally doing it. I was fed up, fed up FED UP. Was going to sit in a nice hot bath, slit my wrists and text WH to turn up in an hour or so to collect DS. I had it. I was done. I stood there, looking at the knife, feeling ready, willing and able - all this pain would be done with - when anger washed over me. If anything, hate delivered me. If I bumped myself off, WH and OW would make the right noises, but they would LOVE it. I would become a caricature, like Rochester's mad wife in the attic, they would make noises about poor WH's unstable first wife and he would get it all - the house, my son... What's worse, she would get it all, with him. So I put down the knife and had a hot shower. Not today, not ever.
The best revenge is a life well lived. I have no idea how I'm going to do that at this moment in time, but as of this moment I am picking myself off the floor and starting again. Again. And that includes DB-ing. Yes, DIVORCE BUSTING. Come on vets, give it to me. It isn't over until it's over.
