Lurker ready to ask for help with WW/WAW sitch!

[RunRec]

Good day to you all!

I have been lurking in these forums ever since D-day. I've read both DB and DR, I've read and another book, and I've read through all of Sandi2's rules and WW threads. I've brushed over the validation cheat sheet as well. This is not to say I think I have all of (or any!) of the answers, just to give you a heads up on what research I've done thus far. I'm going to go into my long story, and then I'm looking forward to hearing some suggestions as I'm kind of in a bind as to what to do going forward right now. First, the elongated and I'm certain wholly typical backstory:

My wife and I have been together for almost 16 years and have been married for 12. She was my first serious girlfriend. We were married in 2005, and had our first son in 2006. Shortly after we got married, I began to actively suffer from alcoholism. My addiction has been a dark cloud over the entirety of our marriage. Our second son was born in 2008. Throughout all the years we've had ups and downs, and last year I checked myself into alcohol rehabilitation to finally kick the addiction for good. I am 9 months sober today.

Unfortunately, not drinking and being in active recovery are two different things. After I got out of rehab I did not work the AA program, instead I was just a miserable drunk who wasn't drinking.

12 years of marriage to a man who was emotionally checked out, verbally abusive, unpredictable, selfish, quick to lie by omission. The most major mistake I made was a one night stand in 2012. After rehab I'm sure there was hope for change, but I continued with all of the self pity and jealousy, control, verbal abuse, unpredictability, and continued to push her away. I can see that it was probably the last straw.

February 9th 2017 was D-Day. She came home with a car full of groceries, I was unemployed at the time pursuing online content creation and was "working" on a video game I was playing. She asked for help carrying in the things, I dodged the request. She made a sideways comment, the argument escalated into a screaming match, and I left to go for a walk to collect myself. While I was out she texted me that "I need a break". When I asked from what she said "From us."

I rushed home and did all the things I'm not supposed to. I begged, I pleaded, I threatened to kill myself, threatened to drink, guilt tripped her over the children, if you can find something on the internet they tell you NOT to do...I did it. She gave me the standard script stuff. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "I need space to figure things out." "There's no one else, I just want to be alone." "I'm tired." We both pretty much followed our scripts to a T. I asked to go to counseling, she said it won't make a difference she's made her mind up. After begging and pleading her to go to counseling, she relented just so that the counselor could confirm our marriage was dead.

At this point we split up the marriage bedroom. She started to sleep on the couch. I told her that my only boundary was no extramarital relationships with potential romantic interests and she agreed. She said no intimacy of any kind, she doesn't want me touching her at all.

I made an appointment to see a marriage friendly Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist for Monday February 13th. We went to the first session, and very early in the session he identified that I wanted to save the marriage and she just wanted out. He pivoted us from EFT therapy to "discernment therapy" which is essentially individual counseling for each of us while we discern whether or not there is still a marriage there to save. It lasts a maximum of 6 weeks. It's not therapy at all, just exploration of willingness to find a path of marriage recovery. I didn't want to do that, but it was discernment or divorce so I agreed.

The next day I was reading all of the forums I could, and kept reading how "ILYBINILY" and "space" are all indicators of an affair, but I was sure my wife would never do that. Still, all of the script signs were there so I decided a little light snooping would help me sleep better. I pulled up the cell phone logs to discover thousands, I repeat THOUSANDS, of text messages to a strange number over the last month. I punched the number into Facebook and was staring OM straight in the profile picture.

I confronted her immediately over the phone. This was the beginning of the trickle truth. First he was just a work friend and they'd been discussing work. I mentioned that she had more text messages to this one person than every other text message to every friend and family member combined so I'm not buying it. Then she admitted ok they were friends, but it was strictly platonic. I continued to press about the frequency and the times, and she admitted ok she had a crush on him but she stopped talking to him weeks ago. I reminded her that I was looking at the phone logs that showed him texting her THAT MORNING. Finally she admitted it was an EA. I asked her how far it had gone, and she said they never met up only texting and sexting. She claimed she never sent nudes, but they did talk about sex. I was devastated but instantly forgave her and said I didn't care. I did demand NC immediately, and to the best of my knowledge she has maintained that to this day. This was still severely damaging to me, as it was a clear violation of my only actual boundary and when she dropped the bomb she laid such an emphasis on my one night stand from 5 years prior being the main reason she can't love me again.

We continued for the next few weeks in discernment counseling. I read the 180s and tried my best, but I was weak and continued to slip into psychosis where I would hold her hostage in a conversation and attempt to force her to see things my way. I did a lot of snooping on her Facebook and once in a while I would steal her cell phone to check in on how she was feeling. I knew these things were wrong, and hated myself for doing it, but I was weak. I used the information from her texts to prove that she was lying to my face when asking about a few things, which only frustrated her more. I knew this was unhealthy so I asked her to go ahead and change all of her passwords so I couldn't snoop any more. I didn't want the temptation.

Leading into week 5 of discernment I was at my breaking point. I couldn't handle not knowing any more so I gave her an ultimatum: either commit to the 6 months of marriage counseling (EFT is 6 months of weekly counseling where divorce is completely off the table) or I'm moving out. I gave her until the next morning to decide. She came to me the next morning and said "I"m not sure I want to do counseling, but I'm sure I'm not confident that I'm completely done so I'll do the counseling." I considered this a victory, though I wasn't happy about it.

We started on the actual marriage counseling, and started seeing improvements. We got over the awkwardness of cohabiting while being split up and got back to some of the usual stuff. We still watch all of our favorite TV shows together, we still do family outings together, we would text each other from time to time. I read some stuff by Dr. Jack Ito that said that the first step to reconnecting is to become friends again and then once you're friends and her guard is down you can start working on attracting her back in a romantic way. So that became my focus, being a great friend (without backing off on my earlier extramarital boundary) while working on my alcohol recovery and getting in shape. I used to do absolutely nothing around the house, so I picked up all the housework I could handle. I went out and got a new higher paying job. I started focusing a ton on my relationship with the kids. Things were moving along pretty good.

I started to get my hopes up because we seemed to be connecting again, but every time we'd get into counseling she would say things to the effect of "we're co-eexisting" or "he doesn't bother me and I don't bother him" and I got FURIOUS. I brought this up in counseling and her response was to the effect of "I joke around and am friendly with everyone. I don't want things to just be awkward and quiet whenever we're around, but that doesn't mean I want to be with you again." This was so frustrating, but I had to remind myself "trust nothing they say and less than 50% of what you see".

Another issue started forming around the second week of April. My wife plays roller derby, and her coach is a man who's about 6 years older than she is. He's got checks in each of the biological trigger boxes (high self esteem, successful, passionate about something that she's interested in) and I noticed they became friends on Facebook in late March, and by early April they were basically liking every one of each other's posts. Now this isn't exactly a crisis of course, but as my wife is fresh off of an alleged emotional affair and we're still working through the very early stages of MC I was justifiably concerned.

I came to her to voice this concern in a constructive manner. She assured me that they were just friends, nothing weird. He's just her coach, they have similar interests and a similar group of friends. I thanked her for not being offended that I checked in and we had what I thought was a very good conversation. That night she stayed up until 2am talking to him on Facebook messenger. When I asked to see the messages the next day, she said she deleted them.

Clearly I was furious, but I kept my cool. I asked her to explain to me what it would look like to her if the roles were reversed, and she understood. She assured me they were just talking about roller derby and that nothing inappropriate was going on. She just deleted the messages because I had just said I was worried about him, so she didn't want me to worry more and was trying to avoid a conflict. I believed her, because I know that in the past it would have been a MAJOR conflict (remember I've admitted that in our previous relationship I was severely jealous and controlling) so in order to prove to her I was changing I told her I understood, and that she didn't need to hide things from me. She's allowed to have friends that are men, just as long as she abides by boundaries. I asked her to treat the relationship with him how she'd want her hypothetical high school aged daughter to treat her relationship with a high school volleyball coach. They can be cordial, but they don't need to be associating outside of the sport. She agreed to this boundary.

The next week they had their last home game of the season. She invited me to come watch, and afterwards said she wanted to go to the after party for just a little while. I am working on not being jealous and controlling, so of course that was fine! She got home at 2am easter morning and was active on Facebook until 4am. I confronted her in the morning and asked to look at her phone. She agreed. They had been chatting until 4am to the surprise of not me. Nothing too serious, only one orange flag sort of text from him, but the point remained that this was not adhering to the boundary. I was hurt badly, and went on the attack.

I again asked her to see it from my perspective. I started in on her about how disrespectful it was considering she had a 2 month emotional affair that she had just recently ended, and mentioned that I hadn't ever pushed her on details. I started asking questions about the previous affair. By the end of the conversation, her emotional affair had magically changed into a physical affair. I was devastated again. I demanded reconciliation or an end to the marriage. She said if those were her only two options, she wanted to be done. Unfortunately she called my bluff and I backed off. That night we talked and agreed to go back to the prior arrangement. We live together, we attend counseling, we figure out what we want. She said during our fight in the morning that she never wanted to do counseling in the first place, but during the evening conversation she said that she can really see counseling is helping us so she wants to keep going even if we are going to divorce. It was nice to hear her validate the need for us to be in counseling.

Fast forwarding a few weeks of counseling, and she has appeared to have backed off on her friendship with her coach. Our church has a 10 week marriage ministry program called RE:Engage that starts on May 3rd and I asked her last week if she would be willing to go. I told her I really would like to go and think it would help but I would give her as much time as she needed to decide. A few days later she came to me and said she'd like to go. I took this as a great sign, because she never wanted to do any form of counseling at all and now she was agreeing to a second counseling commitment that I had laid absolutely no pressure on her for.

So this leads us to present day, and where I'm starting to struggle a bit. I identify my wife as being somewhere in between a WW and a WAW. She obviously has wayward tendencies because she had a physical affair, and she's been pushing the boundaries of an EA with her coach. However, she's not behaving in any other sort of manner where she's "rebellious" or "mean". I really do think she was a WAW first that went wayward in an exit affair. I'm not delusional, however. I do know it's completely possible that she's completely wayward and just hiding it for convenience and it has been convenient. I take care of the lion's share of the housework as she's the primary earner in the family, and works many more hours than I do. I have manipulated my work schedule intentionally so she can continue to play roller derby this summer (and spend more time with her coach, who I presume will be coaching the summer league as well). Literally right now she is in Los Angeles with her team, and her coach of course is with them. This is obviously crushing me as I have no idea if she's really adhering to boundaries with him or if she's crossing lines. I've read enough to know that if she's a full blown WW that nothing is off the table at this point, but as I'm not snooping I really don't have much more than her word to go off here.

This is where I start to ask for advice if anyone has any. I'm sort of approaching the MR in between Dr. Ito's reconnecting through yes! strategy (build trust, reconnect, work on marriage) and Sandi2's rules (180 baby!). I'm 100% not pursuing or discussing the MR at all with her unless she engages me (which she hasn't yet). I'm doing the GAL. I don't text her first or start the conversation first. I've lost 30 pounds (and she's commented on how noticeable it is) and am signing up for a bunch of races this year to get back into running which was my first true passion. When she approaches me I respond and am open to amicable and fun discussion. We continue to laugh and joke, because I want to foster our connection and make her feel more comfortable. She sometimes references our inside jokes, sometimes fondly discusses things from our past. She'll slip and call me babe, her old nickname for me. She'll go to the store with her mom and come home with stuff she grabbed because she thought of me. She has stated in counseling that she isn't attracted to me and can't imagine being in love with me again, and can't fight the feeling that if I can get her to come closer and open up she can find those feelings again.

My concern lies with the fact that she's had wayward behavior around her coach, and I'm really worried that she's shuffling me into BFF territory. I am afraid that she's getting all the marriage responsibility stuff from me (housework, childcare, shuffling work schedules so she can skate, listening and empathizing with her problems, making her laugh, giving her positive reinforcement, watching our shows together) but that she's getting the romantic emotional needs met elsewhere (coach, possibly other person I don't even know about).

To be completely honest here also, I haven't been really applying Sandi2's rules for long. I really started the day after I found out about the PA so I've really only been detaching and giving her room to breathe for about a week and a half. She's in California now, and I pick her up from the airport Sunday night. I'm trying to decide where I go from here and I could use advice. I've been hybrid detaching and reconnecting. I'm enabling her to keep her convenient schedule for her hobby with a person who could possibly be a barrier to reconciliation. We have MC on Tuesday morning. I've considered the following options:

1. Pick her up and carry on as I have been. Ask her nothing about the trip. Do not engage her. When she engages me, respond and keep the conversation light and enjoyable and comfortable and friendly to promote reconnecting. Watch our slate of shows together Sunday night as usual. Carry on our normal routine, and approach MC Tuesday the way I always do. Just go with the flow and allow the counselor and her to direct the conversation. It's very likely that my discomfort over her being in California will be discussed, as it was discussed on the session the day she left as a major source of anxiety for me. We will have church counseling the next day as well.

2. Hard detach. Make it clear from the pickup I'm not interested in light conversation, without being cold or rude. When she asks if I want to watch our shows, tell her I'm pretty tired out from the weekend and I think I'm going to go to bed early and then be done with her for the night. Be scarce on Monday, again excusing myself from hanging with her Monday night. Address the fact that I feel uncomfortable with our arrangement in counseling on Tuesday.

3. Confront her right from the pick up that I'm not ok with her relationship with her coach, given the recent history of our relationship. Let her know that I will not be her errand boy cuck while she goes out and gets her emotional needs met by other people. This is a dangerous option because it's a difficult conversation and we won't have the counselor there to buffer.

4. Another suggestion I haven't thought of yet from you fine people!

So there's a giant wall of text for everyone. I am very recently at a point where I'm legitimately detached from the outcome of this whole ordeal. I am 100% committed to finding a path of marriage restoration, but I am aware that I can't force her to change how she feels. I've let go of trying to control and change her, and am focusing 100% on making myself the best version of me that someone would be insane to divorce. I realize that we're not even 3 months into this journey, and I have patience today like I have never had before. I know there is no quick and easy solution here. I'm grateful that she's giving me the most valuable asset I can have in this situation, MORE TIME.

In summary, the most important question: Should I carry on with trying to reconnect while doing my 180's/GAL with the knowledge that this friendship has the potential to evolve to an EA/PA or do I take action to make sure that doesn't happen while I'm taken advantage of? That's the rock and hard place I'm in right now. Thanks for reading! I'll be very active on the forums, and feel free to ask for any further information or clarification as I'm sure I left things out. Thanks for being here. So many of you have helped me so much already, and we've never even met =).