Struggling

[Jim1234]

Saw our marriage counselor by myself on Wed (W won't go to counseling any more). I was hoping for some insight on why, since she was so determined to move out and divorce, is it taking her so long to do so, when her house has been habitable for months? Counselor thinks she's ambivalent about the divorce, so I'll continue to DB and see what happens.

Yesterday, we were picking up a car from the mechanic, and she informs me that her mom is coming from England on Sunday or Monday (I knew for a long time she was coming, but not the dates. It's significant because I know she wants to be in the other house by the time her mom came.), and she has to start sleeping at the other house tonight because her lawyer needs a date to start asking for support. It wasn't completely unexpected, because she's been packing for the last few days. I asked if that meant all the stuff she left behind was mine so I could start getting rid stuff knowing she didn't want it, and she said she was sleeping over there, but wasn't finished moving out, and would let me know when she was.

Last night when she left, I was very cavalier, wishing her a good night's sleep. She hasn't been back yet, but she's coming over soon.

[Thornton]

My best advice is for you is to be cool, calm and collected. When she leaves the house for the last time, you want her last memory of you to be a good one.

[Jim1234]

Well, I suspect that's not going to happen. She's back, packing, and she wants to talk about money and bills. She's really not going to like me saying "no, I'm not paying the bills you've accumulated to furnish your house." She thinks because all of her (small) pay went into our joint account and was used to pay a (small) portion of our bills, while I paid the rest from my new individual account, she's entitled to reimbursement.

[Cristy]

Cristy, if you could send me that article regarding the kids, I'd appreciate it. And I'll probably call when I return from China in a week.

Hi Jim1234,

Let me know if you didn't receive the article.

I'm looking forward to speaking with you when you return from China. Safe travels!

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Jim1234]

Quick update.... came home from my trip, then went to DC to go to a baseball game with my brother. Had a text from her asking how was the trip, and when I was coming back up 'cause she's "still working on getting everything out and cleaning." Gave her a brief, friendly answer about the game, told her I was coming home tomorrow. Other than that, no interaction.....

[Jim1234]

Friday I came home from my trip to DC, joined some friends out for dinner and drinks. She knew about it, but didn't join us.

Saturday I switched billing information on our phones to reflect the new reality, which caused her a problem that evening. She texted me to talk about it. I was meeting someone, so I told her "can't talk, call you tomorrow." We had a civil conversation about it today.

She's left a bunch of crap here, and still hasn't finished moving out, so she came by this evening to get some mint jelly for dinner tonight, and invited me to join her and the kids. I wish I wasn't here when she showed up 'cause I have had a total couch potato day, and she walked in to me sprawled on the couch, still in pj's (kind of unusual for me). But she did her thing, I was pleasant, but never got off the couch, and told her I'd let her know about dinner.

[180Man]

I haven't changed the air filter in the HVAC since I found out about the A on the last day in November. I wondered why the house was so dusty. Dust everywhere! I changed it today. I think you're entitled to one day on the couch after a lot of traveling. If that's going to make or break things...

You decide what to do about dinner yet?

[Jim1234]

I was kind of waiting to see if some other plans developed, but they never did, so I hemmed and hawed, trying to decide if going would be a pleasant experience and help build a road to reconciliation, or would make me seem too available like I had no life of my own.

My MIL, with whom I am very close, is visiting from England, so, in the end, I decided that I wanted to see her, and I went for dinner. Pleasant dinner, no drama, but it was really, really, really hard sitting down to a family dinner with W, MIL, and kids, looking and acting like a family, when we're no longer a family.

I don't think I'll do it again.

[180Man]

Impossible question, I know, but how do you think your wife felt about the dinner? If you were in her shoes, what would you be thinking/feeling? Trust me, I know how impossible it is to read a woman's mind...just curious if you've explored these theoretical avenues of thought? I try to do it now and then and I think it helps me garner a little bit of additional perspective, either real or imagined, but it feels like a good exercise to do on occasion.

[Jim1234]

180man, I have no idea how she felt about dinner. Couldn't even begin to guess. I wish I knew.

I'm curious about two things... how do I go dark and not communicate when we have kids to discuss?

Also, our son is not doing as well as he should in school, so she grounded him until his grades improved. But the kids are with me this week, so I get to be the heavy. Part of me supports grounding him until his grades improve, part of me resents this being dumped on me. How do other couples with kids deal with this?