WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Sandi, thanks, that is a lot of information. For further clarification, the OM is NOT married... he himself is a single divorcee, so there is no OMW to get involved (unless his adultering with my wife might somehow threaten the custody he currently has of his OWN kids-- Adultery IS still a crime where I live). Also, cutting contact with the best friend who is also a wayward (and currently separated) will be very sticky-- they are lifetime best friends and right now are pretty much self-reinforcing each other every step of the way. My best friend, who is the spouse of my wife's best friend (complicated, I know) has come over all completely zen and is like "I can't be controlling, she needs to explore herself, if she gets it figured out and its meant to be she'll come back" and completely "trusts" her (they are, as I said, fully separated) and makes no critique of her wayward lifestyle.

As to broadcasting the A, that is not my intent. I have intentionally kept that "in hous" so as to provide a safe path back for my W if she should at some point want that. I do, however, want to make sure she understands the impact her continuing behavior could/will have on the kids and her relationship with them.

As to talking to the OM-- yeah, he's a scuzz, but he was my friend at one point, and I feel like there is some baggage there in my closet that is hampering me and that I can clear some of it by "facing my fear" so to speak. I also do want him to know that I am not "giving up my marriage", that I expect him to stay away from my kids, and that, call it a threat if you will, if I can find some way to expose him without hurting my wife and kids (say, to his employer or the like) I will absolutely do so. And, yeah, I do want to sit there and look the SOB in the eye and see if he can do the same. Perhaps a little ego, but my ego/confidence has improved substantially in the past several weeks and I'd like to see it continue to do so. Beats the alternative. Finally, maybe, somewhere in the depths of her wayward mind, my wife might gain a little respect back for me knowing I faced him down. I don't necessarily see things going very badly, as you say... I don't plan to rant and rave and threaten the apocalypse.

I know thoughts on this board vary a bit WRT WW's, but i DO believe that if the A can end, for whatever reason, we might just have a shot in therapy (after the end of affair withdrawal ends).

Out of curiosity, you talk about never having seen an in-house separation fix things with a WW... What do you believe the odds are, generally, on getting a WW back into the fold? In my case, I don't particularly like mine... My wife is 48 soon to be 49 (though looks much younger) so the "nesting/reproductive/good husband instinct" is pretty much gone. Because of her looks, she will DEFINITELY find suitors easily, even if this current A ends, and her best friend, as I mentioned, is also wayward and a VERY strong influence on her. Not to mention the approximately 10 years of neglect I heaped on her that opened the door for this whole sad, ummm... "affair." Honestly, the only thing keeping her around at all right now, I am pretty sure, is her fear of losing the kids. Very afraid that the odds are extremely long here. With God, I know, all things are possible but... this would be one king-sized bible-worthy miracle, IMO, if it worked out and we reconciled.