I'd like to start by saying thank you to everyone here. I have read post after post and it has been extremely helpful.
It seems that most of the situations are husband's going through MLC and the wives are left trying to cope. Not so in my case, although I know I'm not alone. Here's my situation:
My wife and I have been together for going on 20 years, married for 13. I am 39, she is 37. We started dating right after I finished high school and she was still in. We have dated and gotten married every since then, never breaking up or having marital issues. We have 2 children, 13 (son) and 11 (daughter). Our marriage has been great and we've lived a good life together. We both have good jobs, our kids are smart and well adjusted, we take vacations, we both cook, clean, take care of the kids, and share responsibilities. Not to say there might not be things to work on with our relationship, but we have been happy together. With being together so long we probably needed to work on spending more quality time with just her and I, but I think that is common in a marriage of this length...but again, we have been happy and you can't hide that. She has always been an amazing, loyal, selfless, intelligent woman. I have always felt loved by her.
About 5-6 months ago I started to notice small changes. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but I noticed. She at first started loosing weight and working out. Lots of people pick up exercising and she was looking good so I thought nothing of it. Then, over the course of the next 2 months I started to notice a little distance from her. That and she started hanging out with friends from work more. Maybe foolishly, I still didn't think much about it. I just figured that she wanted to spend more time with friends she was making...and I thought that a healthy thing since she is normally a little shy and anti-social. Good for her I thought.
Then, somewhere around 3 to 4 months in, she started going to happy hours with coworkers, but not coming home till late...and on week nights. This is not normal behavior for her and I started to become worried. One evening she did not come home till 4 in the morning. She felt bad and apologized and I let it go, but I was beginning to see there was something wrong. About 2 weeks after that, she lied about where she was in the evening. I knew she was lying and when she got home told me we needed to talk. She explained that she had met a male coworker after work to have dinner with him. She said he had just gone through a divorce and was sad and that she was just consoling him. Then, at the end of it, there was a moment that passed and they kissed. She said she felt really bad about it, didn't mean for it to happen, and wanted to be honest with me about it. She then also explained how she had not been happy recently. She said that we had not been close recently and that she wanted more intimacy (not sex, but the hand holding and date kind of stuff.)I was floored. I knew something was up, but I had no idea. I thought that even though we should do more of that stuff, that we already did and just needed a little push.
I then jumped full fledge in to what we all do. I tried to make it better by asking her on dates, complimenting her, etc. As you know, this did not work. She said she felt awkward because she thought this was what she wanted but it felt forced. I was torn up. She continued to go out in the evenings.
I also noticed that she was always on her phone. At some point, I looked through her phone to see what she was doing all that time. I found that she was texting that co-worker...a lot. I confronted her about it and she admitted that she had developed feelings for him. She said she hadn't acted on the feelings, but that she was texting him. She also said she would stop. Fast forward a week or 2 and I found out that she was now sexting with him. She still said there was no PA, but that almost seems like a moot point. At this point, I still knew nothing about MLC. I THINK she has actually put the EA on hold, but I'm probably being naive about that., but she has been brutally honest about everything when I have asked or we have had our talks. She explains that she knows it was wrong and that it isn't going anywhere. I'm leaving that alone for now cause I know there isn't anything I can do. It is easier for me at this point to believe her, and I think for my sake I need to. Who knows...she could be telling the truth.
More stuff happened, but most of it was just repeat of above. Still going out late, cold shoulder to me, and laxed with the kids when she has always been super mom.
Although I mistakenly pushed to "talk" about things and tried to reason with her, we never argued, yelled, called each other names, etc. We even continued having sex, although I admit that it seemed like she was just letting me, even though she might have enjoyed the act once initiated. Unlike others, she has come around with admitting the issue is with her. She hasn't said ILYB, but she might as well since that is more or less what she describes. She says that she knows in the back of her mind that one day she wants us to grow old together, but she just can't now. She needs her space and to find her independence.
We started couples counseling (at her request). After Easter, there were a couple late nights drinking with friends. I finally told her that we couldn't keep doing that because it was hurting the family. We decided that she should move out for a trial separation. We had only been to 1 counseling session, but the space was needed for both of us. She didn't just leave angry. We talked about it and agreed to ground rules. That was a timed separation (not open ended), still married working on relationship so no dating, worked out schedules with the kids, and discussed maybe meeting up once a week to do something together.
That was about a week ago. The first 2 days she was gone I could not believe how much better I felt. I love and miss her, but the awkward anxious feelings I was having and the walking on eggshells was killing me to a degree I didn't comprehend. Since it has only been a week I have still seen her as she has to come grab stuff she couldn't move initially as well as scheduling with the kids. Since then I have also found this site and have actively started the DBing with her. With a clearer mindset from the split, that has been easier. I THINK I have already started seeing some micro changes.
I have never gotten the opinion that she hated my guts or anything. She seems to be handling it a little more rationally than some, although she is definitely a MLCer exhibiting all the behavior.
Yesterday I felt really good and started making plans for myself. Today I am a little more solemn. I think the good thing is that my lows are not quite as low...and that I have highs at all (been a bit since I've felt happy).
