WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[sandi2]

If you are not referring to what to tell the kids if you S or D...........what are you talking about? Telling them why she is not sleeping in the bedroom with you? If that is the case, why tell them anything other than there are problems in the M? These are young men, not little kids asking questions. I mean, when a couple of 17 & 18 yr old guys see their parents sleeping is separate rooms, they know something private is going on between their folks. If the issue is not resolved, then you can tell them more later, but be careful how much you disclose about their mother. Just knowing their mother is seeing another man, is strong information............plus, they will watch you to see how a man deals with this type of situation in his M.

Are you saying that if she refuses to cut contact I should immediately lawyer up or otherwise get into a divorce-preparation stance? Separation not enough? Be interested in your take on all of this, particularly given the additional color on the A with the OM and how, if at all, that would affect how you approach telling the kids IF, as I suspect she will, she "chooses" the OM. (Alot stacked against me here, including that her best friend is also currently a wayward-- with multiple infidelities-- who runs in the same circle as the OM and who has a VERY outgoing personality and VERY jaded view on marriage and commitment.)

I "thought" I was giving an example of what to tell the kids if you and W was breaking up. I must have gotten lost somewhere, IDK.

I don't really see sleeping in separate beds as a "separation", per se, unless both spouses declare it as a separation. There have been couples to resolve issues while temporarily sleeping in separate beds. However, I have never seen in-house separation result in reconciliation from members on this board, or IRL. Never! It prolongs the agony for the LBH and he loses more dignity and respect while having his WW flaunt her A in his face. Living in separate houses has succeeded in saving some M's. However, she will probably continue seeing OM, or other men........which would happen if there was an in-house separation, too. The difference being.......you don't have to see it every day if physically separated. If her friend is a WW, too, she has a lot of bad influence. Unfortunately, time and consequences for her decisions will have to change her mind. As long as she can cake eat, she will not be motivated to change her ways. In-house separation is the epitome of a WW cake eating.

Before worrying about what to tell the kids, you need to decide if you will S or D (if WW does not immediately stop contacting OM and her wayward friend. There can be no futher "friendship" with the OM's family and your family.

If you have to tell OMW that there will be no future socializing b/c of her H........then so be it. But it won't necessarily save your MR. Sometimes, the other wife is the last to know and is trying to maintain the foursome friendship (even trying to get her H and you to make up, b/c she is unaware of the truth), and it can be a very sticky situation if things are not immediately severed. Very seldom do I recommend exposure of the A, however, when the two families are close friends........I believe it is often necessary to inform the other spouse, and in your case, that may also include your two sons. If OM is involved in the lives of your sons, I would tell them that he is trying to break up the M.

I think it is a "man thing" to feel the need to talk to the OM about ending the A. If that's a shot to your ego to do it........so be it. When you consider that he is a dishonorable husband and friend, why expect him to do the honorable thing just b/c you approach him about an A with your W? You could threaten him, as some others have done in their situations..........but due to the friendship factor that existed, it could go very badly.

My thinking about talking to OM, exposing the A to his W, etc........is to not have the idea that they are going to do the hard & unpleasant work, instead of you having to enforce firm boundaries. In other words, whatever they decide to do, it will not "fix" your MR. It may end the A, IDK. It doesn't repair your MR, b/c there was something broken before she was involved in an A. I don't like the mindset some H's have about exposing the A, when they are too weak to enforce firm boundaries and want to rely on other people to fix things by forcing the A to end. You can't just sit back and reap a successful relationship with your W when all you've done is tattle. Exposure has worked in ending A's for some, but others have experienced very unpleasant results. I do not recommend broadcasting the A to everyone, especially your family members (unless divorce) b/c if there is a future reconciliation, the exposure will cause bad feelings between your family and your W. It is not easy for the W or her in-laws to resume a relaxed and warm relationship, once they know about the A. So, once it's out there, it involves more people and you can't take it back after it's exposed. If you choose to expose, be sure is not an act of vindictiveness, b/c it might come back to bite you.

I feel my post is a disorganized attempt to answer some of your questions. For that, I apologize. I often use the word "you" as if speaking to a group, so please bear that in mind when reading.

You are having to take in a lot of information during an emotionally intense time. Make sure you understand before making any quick decisions.