WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[Matrix]

Blu,

I wanted to say a few things to you regarding where you are now and what you have been feeling for the past 2 years.

My current WW had an affair about 5 years ago. When I found out, I confronted her on the spot. I told her everything that I knew. She denied it for a few minutes, but she finally broke down. She begged and pleaded with me, but I left her that night. I already had my bags packed before I confronted her. In the following days, she called, emailed, begged and pleaded and I wasn't having it. I finally did come back home and we began a journey that I can only describe as a walk directly through hell and back.

During those 5 years, I was bitter, resentful and angry all the time. We had our moments here and there, but I punished her every chance I got. She took it all. She was as sorry and as remorseful as any former WW could be. I didn't care. She was "tainted". Our marriage had lost it's innocence and I felt that we could never get it back.

In the first few years I was a lot more vocal. I would call her names when I got mad and extracted many, many pounds of flesh on a daily basis. As the years went on, we were not so vocal about it, but the A had changed how I saw her and what her worth was to me. There were times she would ask me simple things, like "do you think you could take out the trash?" and in my mind, I would think "why don't you take it out yourself, you whore". I don't feel good about admitting these things, but they are true. I bet anyone on this board that is or has been though piecing has had the same thoughts.

I think the reason that I became so bitter and angry is because I loved her so much. I could not fathom my beautiful bride doing such unspeakable things with another man and then calmly come home and crawl into bed with me. I was never able to wrap my head around the fact that my wife could live that kind of double-life. I didn't understand how she was capable. I mean, we all see it on TV, in the movies and maybe even in real life with people we know. But every time we hear a story like that, we just roll our eyes and can't imagine what horrible people they are. Then one day, that horrible, awful person is our own spouse. They are just as gross and despicable as some whore on a daytime soap opera. It is a jagged pill to try and swallow.

Eventually, after so many years, she gave up. She had been punished enough and didn't want to be defined by the worst thing she had ever done. She had tried and tried for so many years and I simply didn't know how to forgive or heal properly. So she asked for a separation and I agreed. What I didn't know at the time was that she had OM all lined up and went straight into his arms the second we separated, but that story is for it's own thread entirely.

After many months of this separation, I have come to realize that there are so many things that I could have done differently over the last 5 years. I just didn't have the tools. I didn't know how to forgive. I didn't know how to accept her sorrow. I didn't know how to see her for who she was. I didn't know how to define her as anything other than the worst thing she had ever done.

After much soul searching and introspection, I can tell you what it all boiled down to for me and maybe this will resonate with you and anyone else:

I felt like if I forgave her, it meant that she got away with it. It meant that she was able to have an affair, have sex with another person and she still got to keep her husband and family. I could not ever accept that and it killed any chance that we had at reconciling.

I urge you to to find a deeper understanding of unconditional love and forgiveness. I wish I had so many years ago. I love my wife with every ounce of my being and she is gone now. I know you love your husband, so please try to truly forgive him. He is back and he is trying the best way he knows how. Give him the benefit of the doubt and try to not define him by the worst thing that he has ever done.

True love keeps no record of wrongs. Throw away the scorecard and begin again.