OwnIt, yes, I love that quote. It's true that not feeling anything (or understanding a feeling) is frightening. I have always been the type of person that thinks, and overthinks, about what I am feeling and why. Maybe that is why I have had depression in my life. Maybe that is why I have been drawn to substances that numb my pain. Not knowing what I feel and the void, are different, and unsettling.

What can I do to transform the void into something real? Well for the last few years I have fallen into this victim mentality--where H is the perpetrator and I am the wounded one. It's this pattern that has been hard to break. If I want to move forward in the M, then I need to break the cycle. I have to start seeing him as an equal and working on underlying issues, not just see the A and blame him for the A. It is the false sense of power that actually holds me back.

25, thank you, that means a lot to me. It is also true. The A has overshadowed so much else that needs to be looked at and changed. I know I have a lot of things I need to own and work on. I think I have felt self righteous and justified in my bad behaviors because of my hurt and anger around the A. I am going to go into the weekend open minded and trust the process.

I think Tx's thread took the wind out of my sail. He continues to describe his M and his W as forever tainted. That is my biggest fear. My H has been back 2 years and I still see him that way. I don't want to live that way. I get that everyone makes mistakes, I understand how it happened, and I want to forgive him. It just still hasn't felt like enough. My biggest fear is what he describes exactly.

Thank you for the support. It means a lot. I really do get so much from this site and the posters here. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty that I don't appreciate my H more.

LITB, I will def watch that TED talk. I have yet to see one that I don't like. Vulnerability is where I am stuck right now. It means taking off my shield. It means getting out of being the victim and not only seeing the A and him as the bad guy. It means forgiving, trusting, and falling in love with H again. ...

And all of that leads to being vulnerable to getting hurt again.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela