Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
"he treats her so well with kindness, respect, attentiveness, meets her emotional needs, etc.. and why would she give this up".
In my opinion, you need to really look into your listening skills. You will have periodic conversations with your W for forever, regardless of what happens in the next few weeks. You have a child together so there will be conferences and ball games and music concerts and summer care and so on. During any of these discussions, you need to be the above things: kind, respectful, attentive...
I dont think now is the time to meet her emotional needs. Now is the time to practice these skills. How can you be more attentive to your son? your family? your coworkers? How can you exhibit kindness?
I'll share a little bit from my situation which has some similarities. When my wife gave me the ILYBINILWY talk she told that I've always been distant from her, never saw her for who she really is, etc. and then asked for space in our marriage to figure things out.
At the time I didn't realize that space meant she wanted to pursue an active A with the OM. This is because I had not discovered it at the time.
It took me a long time to realize that it is too late for me to try and save the marriage by being the person she was asking for before the A. The natural instinct is to try and be that now and compete with AP. It took me time to realize and accept this.
So now I'm only focused on my children and loving them and becoming a much better version of myself than I ever was, GAL and finding goodness in God. My wife has hurt me badly but it now feels better to know that I am moving on to a better place and not wasting my time thinking she'll snap out of it if only I can be better towards her right now. This all took time and I made so many mistakes and probably still will.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Great advice guys and that is my game plan. I have been executing it very well for about a week and half. I know that's not long at all but its a start.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
Keep going. I'm a couple of months in. It gets easier but for me there's always something unexpected that happens and some days can be much harder than others for some reason. Journaling on my phone really helps me stay constant.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
Resolut: How long have you and your wife been separated? How long has her affair been going on? Any signs of it potentially ending and/or you guys reconciling? What is her overall tone with you and how often do you guys communicate?
Someone said..."She will let you know if she wants to work on the marriage"...are you sure of this or potentially she is waiting on me to take initiative? Just a thought.
Me: 38 Her: 33 Bomb: 1/6/2017 Separated: 1/10/17 Together: 16 Years Son 12 Years Old She and Son still at the house Divorce Filed/Retracted Multiple Times Divorce: scheduled to be final 6/20/17
We're not separated. She lives in my home and sleeps in my sons bedroom. He is away at college. He comes home in a couple of weeks so things will get interesting then.
According to her the marriage is over. She no longer wears her wedding ring. The PA has been going on since January as best I can tell and the EA since December. She wants a divorce. I tell her its not what I want but I love her and respect her enough to let her go.
There are no signs of the A ending right now. I don't pay any attention to her phone or where she goes. Her tone is so-so. I think a good bar to set is to treat your spouse like you would having a friend as a house guest. That's how I treat her. She does about the same, mostly.
She doesn't want to talk about the marriage at all so we don't. I tried doing this a lot more in the early weeks but I've since stopped because it is a waste of time. Once you find yourself repeating old conversations and explaining yourself in different ways you come to realize its a waste of time. Also, she would always just find ways to hurt me in those conversations. It was abusive to me.
If she wants to talk about something she will come to me I'm sure of it. Right now she's put up a wall between us. I would certainly welcome talking to her even if it is to discuss moving to mediate our divorce.
Right now I am just resolute in my waiting. Like I said in another thread, I would be happier if the A will end and we move to MC and then end the marriage. Going into D now while the A is active is a terrible fate IMO.
Me46 W46 M25yrs T29yrs 4 children ILYBNILWY 1/30/17 PA confronted 3/6/17 Separated same house
IMO you should handle it the exact same was as Resolution.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
