25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

25, I think the judge has seen this stuff before. I sometimes wonder how they do it. The question is how they'll react, really. I think they gather the data points over time, rather than do anything immediately. That means inconveniences while they try to be fair. At the end of it all they follow the law and leave the rest. That translates into you being harassed until the final outcome. As long as the judge follows the law, you will be ok. It's a predictable outcome.

There's a wrinkle in the law that is silent on a specific issue h is raising, although most of the law seems to go my way. Meanwhile it's very hard to make plans financially. I think honestly, going to court to hold him in contempt (he's violated court orders from late January on) and now "retiring" is the only way he will comply. I hate going that route but he once said "there will be war" if I tried to get more than the minimum.

Since he's already furious, I'm not quite sure (and hate jinxing myself) how I be hurt more financially. The flaunting of the OW was the week after the wage garnishment and a week later, he quit.

SIGH...this is actually worse than I expected it to be which is saying a lot. It scares me actually. In that sense, I am motivated by fear, aren't i?




Since you know he is motivated by fear and emotion, it actually makes things a little easier when you drop the expectations. When you drop the expectations that he'll be rational, or that you want some sort of reconciliation (of any kind). Until then, it's a bit of a roller coaster.

I have no expectations of him trying to reconcile with me.


He MAY have those unspoken "if I have to, I can get 25 back down the road"....

I have hopes he will try to repair his r's with the kids. Not soon, b/c they are upset. And I KNOW they will never see him the same way. I know this. How can they?

But I have no control over that...and frankly, a part of me hates that he wants them to "BLEND IN NOW" as if I've been replaced b/c HE is SO HAPPY (except for the divorce part of his life. And the job he quit I guess. And His own L says he's hard to reach, seems disorganized and scattered in thought, and the only thing h focuses on is how he hates to pay me anything)....

Do i think he's gone off the deep end? Yes. Do I care why he's being so $hitty to me?

Not that much, as I am in survival mode.


Not that much. I'm in survival mode now.

I understand what you mean with him 'owing' you. I get it. It's not unreasonable in many ways. Forgiveness rarely works like that. Business transactions do. They won't with him while he is in this state.

I thought my loyalty would be appreciated and returned, more than that he "owed" me. I was wrong. To the extent h feels remorse of shame (which is not a lot) h converts it into blame. So it's almost impossible for him to feel he owes anyone.

The one time he admitted feeling he owed someone it was his brother, for doing most of the end of life care for their mom. You know how h paid his brother back? By adding him to our life insurance policy and decreasing MY amount.

Nice...he "pays" his brother by taking from me. And would not face it till after h dies. God what a coward he is, and what a red flag I should have noticed faster.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself (bigybiz you should not either) - giving and blending is what a marriage is about. And over 35 years, it's very normal.

Everything was fine. Until it wasn't, right? To your point about the time portal? You can't go back (and in time you won't want to most likely). But you can deal with the here and now and what is. This will take time to play out in the courts, but it will play out. It's finite.

Don't get tired of it, and don't get manipulated - he'll try both. But he's got a lot more energy around getting this done "his way" and it won't be in your best interest. That's to be expected. But you can outlast him and nice him to pieces.

See, I THOUGHT that being kind and fair would help me. I've been very fair and unemotional when it comes to our dealings (at least in my eyes and the 3 other L's I check in with).

But he's still mad as he11 and pulling out all the stops. (Oh the irony). I have talked to the other L's in my family and they are saying "h is already in contempt of court. Why not drag him back in? He's being cruel to you and CHEAP and acting on fear and etc/// They are probably right...

By being nice and reasonable, you're setting the tone.

well we are in NC and only go thru the L's. I say nothing on FB and don't bad mouth him to his peeps or family and am calm as I can manage...


By letting him run like a crazy man, complain, slander, etc. he expends energy. Let him. The judge and the lawyers will see soon enough what's going on. And if you're patient and kind and reasonable, you'll find they will work for you.

I'll definitely be calm in court. And with this expert on Friday (wish me luck and send prayers please!)

In my own case, my ex was bitter and mean and vindictive. Go figure right? By the end of things she was so impatient to 'move on' with her life, that even my lawyer wrote that into the offers.

H has an OW and maybe that will work to my advantage, as gross as it is...God AJM, a part of me hates him...like maybe for real. OKAY I know...detach and shake my head.

I also feel pity for him. Wreckage and a facade and I Don't THINK I'm kidding myself. Maybe...but he's so inauthentic now. Goofy over the top posts about happy happy and no contact with our children...wtf?

She wrote in that it would 'free her to move on and enjoy her new life.' Her lawyer helped me out on more than one occasion, although within the boundaries of the law. Nothing unethical.

Patience and kindness will be good for you in other ways as well. This kind of thing can affect your health if you're not careful and actively working to prevent that. I learned that the hard way (nothing too serious; caught early enough and made the changes needed).

As you may know, I was hospitalized in October with sudden onset seizures grand mal (you know, the sexy kind). It was a big deal and changed my life short term.

But I'm healing.

Thanks for hanging in there with me...

Did your wife ever express to anyone, some regret?

I think there's a very good chance that h will go to his grave shaking his fist at me for "stealing his money" and whatever else he's mad at me for, then...



I wish you the best 25!

Peace,
AJM

I appreciate it

((( )))