Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

So today went poorly on her visit. She had a headache and was tired from work. I got frustrated about walking on eggshells with everything I said and told her I was frustrated that she wasn't in a place to talk. Made a few mistakes but she is clearly overworking herself and it frustrates me. Biggest mistake was that I assumed she wasn't working on herself. This bothered her and when she left I had gotten a smile but she was still mad.

accidentally called her trying to call back my mother... she called and left a message but I was on the phone with someone else. Called a few people to run some ideas, get some other points of view. One said that I deserve something akin to an or get off the pot statement. Essentially after 2 months of giving space I need something so I am not assuming feelings and holding in all this frustration.

I started by telling her how I felt, evidently I was yelling and she said if I didn't stop she'd hang up. I apologized, I honestly had no idea I had raised my voice. We than expressed various frustrations, she accepted her role in some things and said she has been working on herself and how to feel validated by herself and not by others. This is great to hear, I applauded her for doing this. I did my best to acknowledge her feelings. She said that if I wanted to know how she felt I should have called and asked. I expressed my desire to give her the space she asked for. more miscommunications/assumptions by us.

Perhaps the most amusing part was that she said that she felt I held all the cards. I literally laughed out loud. She said I had the pets and had the locks on the house changed and the stuff that was still here she couldn't get if she needed. She said she was upset because she had to go buy a can opener. I laughed because This is exactly how I have felt. She holds all the cards on the relationship. I can work on myself but it's ultimately her decision to have the courage to open up and try again. She laughed. She also said that just because she thinks I have all the cards doesn't mean we are getting back together.

As the conversation progressed her phone started to die and I offered to end the conversation, she said she could plug it in and to keep talking. She at one point said that she needed to set up boundaries. I asked what they were. 1. No talk of casual sex with her. 2. If I have relations with someone else she doesn't want to know (this made me happy to hear). 3. If we continue to progress toward whatever relationship we end up with, she won't be calling just because she is bored and needs to talk to someone. This is because she is trying to do things because she wants to, not because she needs some kind of validation. I'm perfectly fine with that and she knows my boundaries.

She expressed that when we would talk on the phone in the past I would not give my full attention (often times when she was venting about work I would glaze over, I should have redirected the conversation instead). At the end I expressed that I would call her in a couple days, she said "sounds good". I see this as a great conversation for several reasons:

She never used any finality when it came to our relationship like she did in the beginning.

We both got to air out some issues that we had misunderstood.

She continued and wanted to continue the conversation, it wasn't one of us venting like a couple calls before had been.

I was able to identify more problem areas to work on.

She admitted that she lied about not knowing a book title I had asked about, she felt it would be used against her if I read it. She told me the title, she opened up at least a bit.

She really seemed to want me to call her. Knowing that I wasn't the best on the phone I now have a 180 I can focus on as well.

So the night started as a backslide, then I followed my gut and tried to utilize the skills I've learned from all my readings. I'm proud of how it went. I literally feel lighter than I did before.