25, I think the judge has seen this stuff before. I sometimes wonder how they do it. The question is how they'll react, really. I think they gather the data points over time, rather than do anything immediately. That means inconveniences while they try to be fair. At the end of it all they follow the law and leave the rest. That translates into you being harassed until the final outcome. As long as the judge follows the law, you will be ok. It's a predictable outcome.
Since you know he is motivated by fear and emotion, it actually makes things a little easier when you drop the expectations. When you drop the expectations that he'll be rational, or that you want some sort of reconciliation (of any kind). Until then, it's a bit of a roller coaster.
I understand what you mean with him 'owing' you. I get it. It's not unreasonable in many ways. Forgiveness rarely works like that. Business transactions do. They won't with him while he is in this state.
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself (bigybiz you should not either) - giving and blending is what a marriage is about. And over 35 years, it's very normal.
Everything was fine. Until it wasn't, right? To your point about the time portal? You can't go back (and in time you won't want to most likely). But you can deal with the here and now and what is. This will take time to play out in the courts, but it will play out. It's finite. Don't get tired of it, and don't get manipulated - he'll try both. But he's got a lot more energy around getting this done "his way" and it won't be in your best interest. That's to be expected. But you can outlast him and nice him to pieces.
By being nice and reasonable, you're setting the tone. By letting him run like a crazy man, complain, slander, etc. he expends energy. Let him. The judge and the lawyers will see soon enough what's going on. And if you're patient and kind and reasonable, you'll find they will work for you.
In my own case, my ex was bitter and mean and vindictive. Go figure right? By the end of things she was so impatient to 'move on' with her life, that even my lawyer wrote that into the offers. She wrote in that it would 'free her to move on and enjoy her new life.' Her lawyer helped me out on more than one occasion, although within the boundaries of the law. Nothing unethical.
Patience and kindness will be good for you in other ways as well. This kind of thing can affect your health if you're not careful and actively working to prevent that. I learned that the hard way (nothing too serious; caught early enough and made the changes needed).
I wish you the best 25!
Peace, AJM
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."