First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Yes, Cadence, he was calling and/or texting at least every other day, and I was caught somewhere between feeling encouraged, and trying to meet him where he was, and still practice some "unavailability". Over the weekend, he called several times, and although I answered on Sunday afternoon, I was at an outdoor concert and it was loud, so I said can I call you back? He was so nice and said sure, but I tried twice later that evening to call and he wouldn't answer. Then Monday I got a snarky text that said- I'll call later, if you're going to be available. That is so not like him. I think it ticked him off that I was unavailable. So, yes, what happened yesterday with me was just so much frustration in this push and pull, tug of war with my heart in the middle. I daresay it was easier when he was completely dark with me, at least in terms of knowing the best way to keep him at arms length, and yet be present enough to meet him halfway in the attempt to pick up a new relationship. You say I'm in control, and I understand that, but part of my frustration is that I feel like if I want a relationship with him, he still controls when and where. As I type that, I realize that I'm not doing DBing when I say those things, but as I said yesterday, I blew that anyway. I know today is a new day. And maybe I will text at some point and say the things you suggested, which all sounded very good, but right now, I'm just still too angry and tired. Today, I'm just trying to not overthink it all, but just read a new fiction novel I just got, just for the heck of it, love on my dog, walk with her, and just chill out. One day at a time.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post in such a thoughtful way. It means a lot to me! I don't get a lot of feedback on here, and I think part of the reason may be exactly what you said- people may say, well she should just be thankful he's talking to her. The truth though, is I'm still hurting, and in many ways, more confused and needing guidance and suggestions than I was when all seemed hopeless.