WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Same sitch as posted yesterday. I'm a lurker here since January, so not as much of a noob as it might seem. Read alot about WWs, which I am now pretty sure mine is.. and she is in "deep", can't keep herself from going back to him, is planning "future" with him (even though could almost never happen) etc., etc. OM is a former "friend" of mine and is a single divorcee, so no leverage with his wife available to me.

Two very dicey questions as we approach this weekend where I plan to put my foot down and say "Cut contact or out you go":

1) Is it ever advisable to ACTIVELY threaten to tell kids. In my case this is the one thing that I KNOW she fears losing, as she has repeatedly said "I know I'm being selfish... I know the kids are going to hate me.. I don't want to lose the kids", and, after our first talk about "I wont share you" last week, she came back at me a couple days later with "I really felt unsafe and threatened", implying that I had threatened her with outing her to the kids (amongst other things-- putting her out into the street and trashing her, etc.) which I had not even come CLOSE to threatening or even implying. However, come to think of it, now, i would NOT be inclined to lie to the kids to protect her (she has been very "we need to be of one mind if/when we tell the kids.. that this is a "joint" decision and it is not just one of us walking away") if the affair came to light. And I have several times warned her about her being so indiscreet (she is a terrible, as in unconvincing, liar and really, truly horrible at hiding secrets--leaves love notes and her "cheater phone" just lying around etc etc.) and the kids possibly finding out and being devastated (and losing respect for me, to boot.) The OM was not only a friend to me but was also involved with their HS athletic team and a bit of a friend to them as well. Both boys are older-- 16 and 18-- and I think the older one has, based on questions he's asked me, already guessed that something may be up with Mom and this "OM", though I think right now he probably just figures he made a play for her and that is what ended our friendship. At any rate, is this fair game to make an ACTIVE threat? I have for the most part been very "detached" and GAL-centered and have remained positive and upbeat (even loving) towards her since BD, and, for a while, this was paying dividends, until suddenly about three-four weeks back when, I believe, the A went "physical" and everything went to hell. She "trusts" me quite a bit more, now, and an "Active" threat would, to me, seem to be going nuclear. My plan had been to just say: "look, you mentioned "threats" last week, but what is threatening is your behaviour-- to our marriage, and to our children. If they found out [and this is extremely likely given the timeline of this affair and her indiscretion and, even notwithstanding her discretion if they "got together" after a split no one with half a brain, especially the kids, is going to believe there wasn't something going on before... and they are CERTAIN to ask me] they would be DEVASTATED. The THREAT is your relationship with this OM... without that, if we are just going through a break up because we "grew apart", there is almost NO risk that the kids are going to hate you. The only THREAT here is what you are doing extramaritally." Now, that was my PLAN... but... given how this is going (and things are looking increasingly dark/bad for me here) should i consider explicitly "going nuclear" on this? Maybe just leaving it hanging as an "open threat?" (And if I were so inclined, I could go "super nuclear" because I have a recording of them pretty explicitly discussing one of their encounters in addition to "what they like." Yes. Ouch.) Again, as further color, my boys are 16 (almost 17) and 18, so I wouldn't be threatening TOO much "youthful innocence". Just curious everyone's thoughts.

Issue #2) OM is not a total stranger. Was a pretty close friend of mine, and I never talked to or otherwise communicated with him after I discovered the A. Probably a good idea as, for several weeks, I likely would have tried to punch his lights out. I am somewhat more centered and circumspect now, however, as well as more "right with God", (much stronger faith than before), so I believe I could sit across a table from him now without it getting physical. In the other direction, I do not believe him to be dangerous (but, then again, I never thought he'd be someone to steal my wife, either). Not sure what I would hope to gain by doing this, precisely, other than to let him know I fully understand how he used my wife's and my respective vulnerabilities (related to him in confidence) to make his play, and how the fact that he did so notwithstanding the turmoil one of my kid's was going through (my younger has a chronic illness) and how important that child's mother and family was to his well-being and that, even knowing that, he attacked my family. I would also be hoping to maybe rattle his cage a bit by showing i am not backing down nor giving up, that I plan on fighting and exposing him if i can do so without hurting my wife, and maybe just maybe impressing on my wife that I am a man who will fight for her. I understand that this course of action ABSOLUTELY would be dangerous and not recommended in many if not most cases but... wonder if anyone has gone down this path or has thoughts regarding doing so in my sitch.

Thanks, all, and God bless!

______________
M:21 T:25
Me:51, Wife: 48(and looks 35 )
S1:18
S2:16
PA: Ongoing, with former close friend, started as EA in 11/2016 (she is still denying much of it)
DB: 1/23/16
Sitch: still living together (same Bedroom). Had first discussion about "I wont share her" a week ago.