Blu,

This is so utterly profound "Sometimes I even miss the hurt and anger because it's safe. It's powerful. This is unknown and uncomfortable."

Remember Gertrude Stein's words, "“Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain.”

Yes, pain is real and visceral and understandable. Numbness and nothingness are just a void. What can you do to transform that void into something real?