3.5 Months of Pain - Fork in the Road

[Tread]

Hate to say it, but I doubt a 3 day trip was bad at all. Especially just 3.5 months in this relationship. If they were stuck with the kid, then the results probably would have turned out different. The OM is going to need a taste of dealing with her in regards to the child without your help. My guess is that he will find another woman, unless he claiming to be in love himself.

[sellout]

Oh yeah, from what I can tell the OM is head over heels for her. He treats her and the situation with extreme care and is playing the game well. Yes, its a marathon, I get that...but once divorce is final its too late. I feel I am running out of time but as well all know there is nothing I can do but work on myself.

[sellout]

One more thing. I know I have painted my wife as this monster, etc. but I wouldn't spend 16 years of my life with a monster. She is a wonderful mother and actually deep down a good person with a good heart. With that said, I truly feel that she, if for nothing less would try and give it a go for our son. She wants whats best for him and the neighbor across the street raising our son is not whats best. She knows that its jut going to take her to wake up and make a real decision to make it happen.

Maybe she is scared of all of the backlash she will get from family and friends that she has told along the way?

[25yearsmlc]

Last topic: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2737229#Post2737229


I wanted to provide an update of situation. So things have calmed down as far as fighting, yelling, screaming. Things are calm. She is still openly dating OM and actually went on a 3 day out of town trip with him. I knew of this because she asked me to watch and spend the night with our son on 2 consecutive school nights (last night and tonight).

When she told me she was going out of town, I didnt act upset or mad but told her I already knew based on the above mentioned information. I did as her where she was going and she would tell me. It doesn't really matter does it? The reason that I do mention this out of town thing is because of the following...she has always been a very protective mother. Last night she never called/texted our son to see how his day was or tell him goodnight.

Same this thing morning, she didn't check on him. Again, the reason I tell these details is because this is really out of character for her.

I would either read nothing into this^^ or believe that she doesn't know how to mix OM with son, and is trying to keep the compartmentalizing easier. Very difficult at the start of a R or A, to call and say good night to a child while at a hotel, or wherever...

Try to avoid the mental movies you may be making and not let her behavior take so much headspace in yours...




Ok, so on to some other details. She texted me Thursday this past week about the coordination of our son for basically the next week. It was a long text. At the end of the text she said "other than that, I don't want to hear from you". I responded, "ok, thank you". That was about 7:30am Thursday morning.

that was a rude way of her saying she doesn't want R talk, (which I understand), but your response was perfect. YOU be polite, but short, and let her spin into rudeness. she now has a "record" of her crap texts if she ever cares to look and she won't see a tit for tat from you. Well done.

Well, by 8:00pm that same evening, she called me and just wanted to check on me.

to check on YOU or the son? If it was to check on YOU then she regretted her rudeness. If you had reacted in kind, you would not have gotten the phone call.


We ended up talking for an hour. During this conversation she said that "of course I still love you, but we can't ever be together again". According to her we have too opposite/polarizing personalities that don't allow us to get along. While that is somewhat true, we have never attempted to fix the problems with therapy, discussions, etc...

If one of her beefs is that you "never listen", or are "too extreme in views" the best you can do is the opposite of her claims so that you counter her negatives with new data...you DO listen and you DO see gray areas that are not so extreme, etc.

Also, if people cannot change, 1) why are we here on this site and 2) how can alcoholics ever recover?

YES People can change.

But NO they will not change unless they want to, AND then do what it takes to make the changes...


We are both at fault for this and agreed.

at this point^^ of things, theres No reason for you to point out how you "both" are at fault for ....just sweep your side of the street and work on you, and she'll notice, trust me. Plus the minute you say "we BOTH are wrong" all she will hear is your criticism. Even if she was 90% "wronger" than you, she's not here trying to save the m. You are.

Lose the scorecard.
So the evening things out is not needed now.



She went on to say that she is not as happy as what she is portraying on the outside. She also admitted that she may be dating OM only to dull/numb the pain but she doesn't know for sure because her mind in not in the right place at the moment.

This^^ is a significant admission and a great time to STFU and LISTEN WELL and gather information.


What she DOES KNOW is that "he treats her so well with kindness, respect, attentiveness, meets her emotional needs, etc.. and why would she give this up".



IMO, this ^^ was her crying out that what she wanted from YOU is this^^^^^^^^^.

Not judgement, not criticism but kindness and respect, etc....and she would not have to give it up if you gave it to her.

At least that is how I read it. It's an unusual thing to say to a h, during an A, unless she's asking for this from him...

I didn't argue with her about it and just stayed calm throughout. Of course what I wanted to say is that,

If I had to translate the rest of your words (below), I'd sum them up this way:

"You'll never get those from me."


you and him are both still married, dating each other and he is using 1/2 of his wife's money to fund a weekend getaway with his mistress. Yeah, he sounds like a wonderful man. We both have attorneys and the divorce has been filed for the 3rd times after to retractions during the last 3.5 months.
We have yet to see each other with attorneys present and certainly haven't seen each other in court. We are scheduled to see each other this week with each attorney present to discuss division of assets. Again, my plan, is calm, well mannered, upbeat, etc... The divorce is all goes to plan with be final sometime in late June.

My only hope at this point is for her to have some sort of "wake-up" moment and realize that this is not best.


how will she realize this^^? I mean, what is it that YOU are doing to show her that you can meet her emotional needs?

PLEASE I don't want a bunch of LBSers to jump on me for daring to say you must make an effort b/c SHE is having an A. Yeah, I get it, the WAS is always wrong and the LBSer is right and...how on earth does that help??

I think affairs are wrong, but I don't think they are all alike, and I sure don't think they should all elicit the same reaction in the LBS.

So here is My sweeping generalization: Most women who have affairs are in marriages that are not meeting their emotional needs, and their love language is not being spoken much inside their marriage.

YES there are exceptions, but like I said, I'm making a generalization.

In your w's case, I feel even more strongly that she's coming from a place of pain and her call to you the other day, her comments and her question to you was her reaching out.

Side note: she actually made a comment to me that OM "talks her ear off" something that I always did as I am the "talker" in the relationship. Somewhat surprising that she would choose the same thing when she despised it so much.


Not that surprising, they tend to choose people who resemble us in some ways but affirm them or admire them or somehow do what we cannot/did not, to get the LBSer2.0 version.

OR they date "down" so they won't have to step up to the plate as much. Just a random observation.

I am sure there is a lot going on in her head and when they are together that I have no idea about. Does she love him, is she coping and distracting, is she wanting to marry this guy?


she has already shown you that all is not well in paradise and she practically asked you to rescue her, I thought. At least that's how it struck me.


I would find it highly unlikely that the first guy she started talking to which happens to live across the street that she would fall in love with. I am still doing 180's and getting better by the day.

this^ is all that you can control and it is what you must do to become the best version of you, that you want to be. Become a man only a fool would leave, for YOU.

Last key detail...in one of our marathon phone conversations, she told me..."had you handled this whole situation different in the last 3.5 months we would be working on our marriage and things would be much different. Your actions pushed me further into his arms". Maybe too late but live and learn.

Does anyone have any thoughts or comments?

See notes above...what have you learned? What would you do differently if it were 3 months ago?

She left a marriage in which she was unhappy.

No one returns to the marriage they left

unless

they believe it can be better/different than before.


Right or wrong, it's up to the LBSer to show that it can be better/different than before.

So how have you acted in ways that would reassure her to trust your efforts to last?

[MoveFrwd]

I truly feel that she, if for nothing less would try and give it a go for our son.

Why do you say she hasnt already? It sounds like you expect her to give it one **more** try now that you know the risks.

She wants whats best for him and the neighbor across the street raising our son is not whats best.

Right now, she is doing what she thinks is best. She can only see the world through her own eyes just as you can only see the world through yours. Trying to convince her that you are right and she is wrong is a waste of your breath.


Keep focusing on where you should. On you. On your relationship with your S.

[sellout]

I am focusing on myself. I have lost over 30 lbs and obviously she sees this. I haven't mentioned a word about it and she hasn't either. I am being a wonderful father to our son (not that there was ever an issue with that before), and mentioning nothing about Marriage, Relationship, Divorce, OM, etc.. unless she brings it up. When she calls/texts I do answer and respond truthfully, kindly and politely.

A few weeks back I did tell her that I don't plan to date right now. I told her that I wanted to work/find myself and until I feel comfortable with that it wouldn't be fair to future woman.

[LH19]

Why do you feel that once the divorce is final it is too late?

[sellout]

I don't think it is technically too late but lets be honest...at that point, there is less "skin in the game" to want to reconcile.

[Tread]

25yearsmic,

What would be your suggestion on how sellout can do to show his W the things she claimed to want? DBing advises us to pull away, but the things she's asking for kind of contradicts those methods. In my own situation the OM is marries and a state away. And communication is limited to messenger. Sellout here as his wife taking 3 day trip in his face. So what would be the best place for him to make in this situation?

[sellout]

Thank you Tread, I should have asked that a while back. And you hit the nail on the head. A huge part of the reason I am here is because of a lack of attention, etc. Now its more of the same (if not worse). Space is key I agree and TRUST me, she does know I want to save the marriage. But yes, some proactive suggestions would be nice.