You had an extremely codependent relationship. Both of you. it worked when it worked, but it doesn't work now.

You had some pretty heartbreaking life-molding events happen in your early childhood. If I were you, I would spend all my time with my IC working through those. Focusing solely on you and not your W at all, quite honestly. I think when you work through your own personal issues, you will be much healthier ALONE and in a new R, when you are healthier alone. You are self-aware, which is a great thing.

I was abandoned in a way myself. My parents split when I was 17. My mother was a bi polar addict. She was clean for 12 years until my parents split, she relapsed and went rapidly downhill. She ended her own life when I was 21. My dad was my rock my whole life and he left the house and moved in with his GF (now W). even though he was emotionally there the best he could be from afar, I felt extremely abandoned. I had to drop out of college, get away from my mom and get my own place at 18. At which time I met my ex and I his crappy love was all I had and I clung to it like a lifeboat. He treated my so awfully, but I was afraid to let go because I felt like I had no one.

We went through IVF to have our first and only child. he began cheating in my pregnancy and left me when our daughter was 6 months old. I though I would never survive alone and with an infant.

I am now 36 years old. I have not really had a partner for 9 years. I have dated, but nothing serious. I am currently dating someone its probably my first real relationship. It's hard, but I think it will be worth it.

Point being, the fear of abandonment is real, but not a reason to stay with someone. I thought I wouldn't come out of this ok, but I did. The only one to soothe me or give me security has been me for so long. If I can do it, surely you can. There are many gifts in it.

I feel for you and your step daughter. You sound like a wonderful loving man.

I would strongly urge you, as difficult as it is, to do YOUR work. Don't worry one bit about your W right now. Time ot take care of and save YOU.