Zeus - I totally understand what you are saying about anger. I haven't let W see me angry at all. I've subscribed to Mach's methodology to use my anger as a shield and not a weapon.
Honestly, Im trying to keep it together for W's daughter. We are so close. Although she is not mine biologically, I have loved her like my own since she was 3 years old. Watching her perfom last night with all of her friends and having such a good time really upset me that she's going to have to start all over again in a new state. I just wish I could make it all better for her.
25 - I get what you're saying about needing to work in my own sandbox. I've been dealing with this stuff since I was 10 years old. Honestly, I don't think there isn't anything I've tried to get better, except, to be alone and sit with my thoughts and pain without a partner to distract me from it.
I really don't have many other options except to be alone. I hate it because I want companionship. I love spending time with my partner and I love the security that I get when I know my partner is there for me through thick and thin. Ironically, WAW is a love avoidant. And she has hardly been there for me when things got rough. She's the first person to hit the eject button, everytime.
So why do I idealize her? In the beginning of the R, she idolized me. I fixed her issues and she made me feel like Superman. I felt like I was doing my job as a good partner and being there for her, taking things off her plate to make her life easier. I remember one time I drove 1.5 hours in a blizzard to bring her some soup because she was sick. Took me 2 hours to get home because I couldn't see the road. 3.5 hours of driving to bring her some soup???
I thought I was being romantic. In actuality, I was being codependant.
25 - my daughter is almost 17 now and doesn't seem affected by anything. She has her own life and friends. In all honesty, I think she would prefer if W would leave. They have had some issues butting heads in the past and don't really speak to each other much anymore.
Im trying to think positive thoughts about what my new life will look like but it's hard because I've been through some things in my life that have re-enforced the fear response I get. I've conditioned myself to expect the worst because that's what's most likely to happen. And if I expect bad things, then I won't be taken by surprise when they do happen.
