WW won't separate

[resolut]

@Sandi2
There was so much in your response that I am taking in, but I want to focus on what you wrote here.

Disrespect is one of the major issues with a wayward wife. If the H takes verbal abuse, or any other outward signs of her disrespect.....he is helping to dig the marital grave deeper. Once the WW's respect for her H is gone, her loving feelings go with it. He cannot get her respect by showing signs of weakness (or rather, what she sees as being weak in him). Women are attracted to men who demonstrate (inner) strength and who command respect. A muscled up guy is only physically attractive, but we gals need a man who has more than just physical strength. At least, stronger than we are...and we will test him to check that strength and see if he'll stand up to us.

I really feel this that I have lost my place of power and respect of my wife in the marriage since the PA was outed. I think one shift back in my favor was when she left the MBR. Another shift would be to have her move out but we're not to that point yet. I REALLY don't want to be seen by her as weak because I am not. There are obvious times when I have totally slipped up and reached for her for a hug or a loving touch that are both so unwanted. I'm sure she sees me as weak at those times. They are happening far less frequently than at the beginning but I am human. They're happening less frequently because I am falling out of love with her and that tractor beam of attraction is almost gone.

It would be good to have some help on some specific 180's that I can use to not be perceived as weak. I think that my wife very much values inner strength within a man. I had/have this but as the years went by and we became so familiar with each other and just attached spouses, that inner strength may have been difficult to see. She went out and saw that in her AP. Maybe this just surfaces naturally from being active in GAL tactics?

And yes she carries a tremendous amount of hurt and resentment from the past. These are the things she pulls out of thin air when we get into a heated discussion. I get blind-sided when she hits me with these things in a discussion and I totally lose my focus because they are unexpected, mean and hurtful. I have a lot of difficulty handling these situations and they derail our conversations that might otherwise be productive.

The man I was before the marriage was 20 years old! That person was so carefree and full of youth. How can I be that now? Again its more about discovering who I am now without her at 46 through GAL.