First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Well, I totally left the DBing path, and I'm pretty sure sped up the end of my marriage.
I just am SO VERY TIRED. And truth be told, friends, I just don't think any man is worth the push and pull, constant mind struggle, emotional roller coaster that this entails. I know I will regret this later, but I just can't stay on this merry go round.
His office move finally happened, so he's indicated, whew, that's behind me, and I came out a hero.... so I'm thinking, well, ok, now do you have time for us to at least talk about our relationship? Today after we both missed each others' calls and texts over the weekend, we finally talk on the phone. He tells the long winded version of the 11th hour save the day move, and I validate, validate, validate. Then I get around to some kind of time frame for his visit south, which is the only reason I've held out any hope for a R-he keeps saying, I can't wait to come down, see what all you've done to the house, blah blah. So today, it's now I have to meet with the architects, they will be drawing out the build out for the new offices, etc., which should take them 4-6 weeks. I said, so do you think you'll come down in May? Oh, yeah, for sure in May. Something just fell off the shelf inside me. I said, H, I have been very patient in this limbo the last 4 months, and given you the freedom and space you asked for, but you have what appears to be a happy, full life, with me easily disposed of (at this point I heard him sigh, or make some kind of noise), but I need a life of my own, so I'm going to have to think about accepting this new job offer. I stalled on it and told the guy I'd need to think about it, b/c honestly I was hoping I'd see you and have some idea of whether we would be working toward a future together of some kind, and although I realize you have nothing to offer me, I can't keep going on no hope. I need to build a life too. He said quietly, I know. Then I STARTED TO CRY. I KNOW, I KNOW. But I'm just so tired. And he was, as usual, silent. Had nothing to give me. So I just said, I need to get off the phone, and we can talk later. He quietly said, OK.
Well, friends, I guess I don't have the patience that DBing requires. I just can't do it any more. Yes, a large part of it was just for me. And I am so much better off than I was when I came here in January. But as far as continuing to be strung along by his crumbs that he throws out, on his own timeline, when it works for him, I think I'm done. I texted him about an hour ago, and said, Do you think you and C (young man who is living in our spare bedroom for now) can stay at S this weekend or next? I think I'm going to fly up and rent something to drive back with the rest of my things. If you're not going to use the concert tickets, maybe I'll go and take a friend. (The tickets I gave him for Xmas-for a very special date night for us- which I doubt he even remembers about). I won't try to see you. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't keep telling myself there's hope for us to begin again. It's obvious it's over. I've given you so many chances to just say there's hope, and I think today I finally get it. You can't.

He texted back- why are you being this way there was four people in the office when you brought this up today and I didn't want to say anything out loud I told you I was going to be taking 2 weeks off real soon and we could talk about everything then but if you feel as if you need to come pick up your stuff then fine I will make sure I'm not there just let me know what your doing.

Me- I truly cannot believe you said- why am I being this way? Why don't you take a long hard look at the last 4 months? Yes, I do feel like someone has to call this and I don't know why you won't admit it's over for God's sake and let us both forget it. You say "soon" you'll take time off and we will talk. Now it's architects and who knows what else, then you'll have time to see me? If you missed me, I'd have been welcome back to a place I use to call home. Do you know what that feels like? We didn't have to wait to see each other until you could get two weeks off. If you wanted to see me, you could have let me come home. I never thought I'd see the day when I could not just walk up to you and have you put your strong arms around me and make me welcome. But no, not I can't even come home and get my own clothes? To a home I helped you build for us? I could have been a good wife to you, L, if you'd have just given me another chance. So yes, I'm letting go because you refuse to give me any reason not to. As soon as I pull some travel plans together, I'll be sure to give you plenty of time to disappear. And I don't want to see C (houseguest) either. He threw me away just like you did, for money and importance. Funny how I was enough when all you had was a beat up Silverado truck, but now I'm not good enough to come home and live with y'all? Really? Imagine what that feels like for me. Kicked to the curb. I'm worth more than that. I'm tired of being thankful for the crumbs you throw my way when it's convenient for you. I want the whole cake, plus icing. I deserve it.

Ok, bring on the 2x4s. I know this isn't DB. This crap is just not right. I'm done.