WW won't separate

[sandi2]

I would say that I didn't go out of my way to avoid conflicts in the past but sometimes. I took my share of verbal beatings from her for sure.

The way I am reading that statement is she was verbally mean, maybe said nasty things about you. If a W treats her H in this manner.....she is disrespecting him. The louder and uglier her words, the worse her disrespect runs (IMHO). For either spouse to verbally beat up the other one.....it's abuse and it cuts deeply. If you shouted at her or called her names, etc.....then you were guilty of doing the same thing. If you said nothing, or just walked away......I doubt it gained much respect from her, but it may have temporarily stopped an argument.

Disrespect is one of the major issues with a wayward wife. If the H takes verbal abuse, or any other outward signs of her disrespect.....he is helping to dig the marital grave deeper. Once the WW's respect for her H is gone, her loving feelings go with it. He cannot get her respect by showing signs of weakness (or rather, what she sees as being weak in him). Women are attracted to men who demonstrate (inner) strength and who command respect. A muscled up guy is only physically attractive, but we gals need a man who has more than just physical strength. At least, stronger than we are...and we will test him to check that strength and see if he'll stand up to us.

In my WW days, my H could work all day at cleaning house, cooking, etc.....but I didn't respect him, so I did not feel full appreciation for his acts of service. A WW has so much resentment toward her H (usually about things in the past) that it pretty much overrides everything else. That's why it bothers me when I read where LBH's are doing stuff trying to appease their WW and keep her off his back.....however, the more he tries to do for her, the more disrespect she seems to hold for him. If the tables were turned, she would not put up with it for a minute.

I think I'm trying hard on rules 19 and 21.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. (I don't want to sound as if I am contradicting that statement, however, these are simply bullet points and not a lot of explanation. As the faithful spouse, you do not have to act as if you are thrilled with the wayward spouse's decisions and/or behavior. It means you should show an inner happiness, peacefulness, and confidence that says you will be just fine....with or without her. Instead of showing what you might be feeling emotionally, you present yourself as being in control of your emotions. Instead of falling apart in front of the WW and kids, you present yourself as having calmness, steadiness, balance, firmness, and consistency. You are going forward and enjoying life, with or without your WW. You are not wringing your hands, showing a sad face, crying, begging, threatening, or showing fear of your wayward spouse). This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. (The WW usually expects to see her H crushed at losing her. In fact, they often whine if they think the H acts too happy. :/) Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. (How do you show a wayward wife a man she would want to be around all the time, especially if she doesn't respect you? How are you attractive and fun?) That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

#19 could be misunderstood by eager LBH's who are desperate to save his M, and think he is suppose to be a "yes dear" kind of H, who jumps through rings of fire to impress the W. Actually, the fastest way to say it is to be the man you were before marriage....or become better. Be your own man! Men's ideas of what a wife wants in a H is usually so out of line with what really attracts her, that he reads #19 as some excuse to be her puppet, her free employee, and her entertainer.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

When you lose your cool, you give away your power. A WW will try to pull the H into a relationship talk or an argument by pushing his buttons. However, he should remain in control of himself and not argue with her (it takes two people to argue), and yes.....walk away, rather than fight. Just don't walk away out of fear. Let me add something else. If a boundary about verbal assault has not been established, it is absolutely necessary. The H should not wait until she begins an argument to state his boundary. When things are calm, he should state his boundary about verbal abuse (especially when it's around the kids). Then the next time she starts......he enforces the boundary by some action.

And example: The family is having dinner at a restaurant. The WW begins speaking disrespectfully to her H, arguing, etc. The H gets the kids and leaves his WW sitting at the table alone, while he takes the kids to have dinner somewhere else. The only thing he says to his WW is, "I will not tolerate disrespect in front of others". He leaves and she has to get home the best way she can.

Another example: The family is watching TV and she begins to hammer her H in front of the children. He immediately says, "Come on kids, we're going out", and he leaves her home alone while taking the kids for ice cream, or whatever, and he does not respond to her calls/texting or tell her where they are going....except to say "out".

Of course, you could do like a former member, who had a W slamming cabinet doors and told her if she continued he would prepare to take steps in separating or filing for D. (A bit tough for slamming doors, but I suppose he'd had enough of it.

My examples may not be the best, but they are only examples to give you an idea how a boundary is enforced. You can't enforce boundaries by talking. There has to be some sort of action if they are not honored.