WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[hoosjim]

Thanks Cadet.
I have actually read all that you suggest-- Dr. Michele's books, Sandi's 37 steps, all of Sandi's threads on Wayward Wives, and a couple of others.
I have actually been a lurker on here for a couple of months, and have even had a few sessions with a DB coach.
I have implemented many of the strategies with varying degrees of success, but there was a LOT of damage done in my marriage by my neglect-- approximately 10 years worth, and the neglect was fairly significant.

The bomb dropped on me in the form of discovering an EA (but a pretty steamy one) between my W and a fairly close friend.
Since then, I have struggled with the tension between "creating distance" or "disattaching" and the very dynamic (neglect) that got me here in the first place.
My self improvements and life-getting and 180s have been fairly profound and have been noticed and drawn SOME interest, but... not enough to pull her away from the OM.

It has been 3 months since the bomb, and the affair is 6 months old.
And it now appears to be ramping up.
The recent convo I overheard was pertinent to another uncertainty with which I was struggling, which was WON my W was actually "wayward."
Given how out of character she sounded, and given also how she has acknowledged being selfish and "not caring",
I think it might be safe to say she is PROBABLY a wayward except... she still has a lot of fear of alienating and losing her children (though not enough fear to get her to cut contact with the OM.)
I am very close to putting my foot down and demanding that she cut contact or, if not, we separate (at least "in house.")
Wondering if that is the right approach, however.