According to what you posted earlier the PA has been confirmed. What does transparency mean to you? Did you read through Chris73's thread?
I'm actually reading through Chris73's threads now. Our situations are extremely similar, so much so that I am gaining strength and trying to implement some of what he is doing. Wow.
No my point was do not do what Chris73 did because it did not end well for him. IMO You have to set and enforce boundaries when your wife is in/had an affair.
Transparency to me in this context that she should at least give me a heads up as to her plans without going silent for hours. At least this is how I explained things to her.
Anyhow, Friday my home WiFi was acting up. I logged in and it allows me to see what apps are running. Noticed a new app, Kik. Found out its a messenger app. I installed on own phone and there was her profile...using maiden name. Ugh. That night I called her out...asked to see phone. Only messages showing were from a girlfriend. She said she was using it because they could video chat. From WiFi, I think wife had only been running it that one day. Just more suspicions.
Well wife started yoga cert training yesterday. 7AM-7PM with an hour drive each way. I'm at home with kids. She was chatty all day talking about the classes which was nice as I'm genuinely interested. Almost 8 and she tells me she is catching dinner with a couple of other students. Then she goes silent for hours. I ping her mom who is aware of the situation and she hasn't heard anything from her either. Her mom actually drove to the guys house my wife had been chatting with (EA, probable one night stand) no sign of wife's car. Wife doesn't show up until 3 AM and then left again at 6:15 AM to do the cert thing all over again today.
Today...wife tells me she had a couple of drinks that kicked her butt and crashed for a few hours in the van to sleep it off before driving home. I honestly don't any longer know what to believe.
I'm really trying to detach and distance myself from her a bit but it's such a battle both internal and with her never ending flakiness. On one hand I feel like I'm being played but other times not. She is being more selfish than usual but I think a lot of that is also needed for her to start this new career. I DO need to start pushing back more before I become (more of) a doormat.
Derek, I need to go back and read up on your thread, so I'm not going to comment much~ but I have to say, the whole not coming in til 3, sleeping in the van, then back up and gone at 6~ that all sounds like another man. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I wouldn't believe anything she tells you. There's maybe a thread of truth running through her story, but I promise you are not getting the transparent version. And I doubt you're going to get it anyway by confronting her and asking for truth. She's doing her own thing right now.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
So where do I go from here??? Remind her of her commitment to full transparency and tell her I need access to her phone, email, passwords? Help me word this so as to not sound controlling. Struggling here folks.
What else can I, should I be doing? I try to give her space and try to stop snooping, but she just keeps giving me reasons to do so.
IMO, I would suggest something like" W, remember when you agreed to full transparency, to put my mind at ease, I would like full access to your phone, email etc".
If she has anything to hide she will turn it around on you and say you are being controlling. If she has nothing to hide she will show you to put your mind at ease.
