Not so stuck anymore

[Raine]

job! It's so great to see that you're here, being you're wonderful amazing self. Thank you for always being there for me.

The kids are amazing. Just complete rockstars. They're doing great at school, happy, positive kids who everyone just talks about how great they are. I had them in therapy when H moved out last summer, and the therapist thought they were handling everything really well. I feel like H and I really tried to make things as smooth as possible for them. We talked about things, we didn't blame each other, we allowed them to express their feelings about it. We talked openly about depression and what that means. Yes they wanted their dad at home, yes they were angry, but I think it was good that they could express that to both H and I. I think I really just never mention them here, because I feel like they're so outside of all of this. They just adore their dad and all of them have such a special relationship with him. And likewise, I feel like I have a really great relationship with each one of them. I feel like going through all of this has made both H and I better parents and honestly, there are many ways it has completely changed the way that we are raising our kids and what things we are putting value into.

I'm in a really good place. There is a lot going on. But I'm okay with letting things go. I don't have to do everything. I can say no. I can say later. My priorities are H and the kids and nothing else matters.

What's very different about now, versus H starting to wake up in 2014, is I feel like he was doing things and talking about things, because I needed to. He wanted to be there for me, but he didn't want to talk about things. There was so much I needed to work through, but he was in no place to be able to work through it. He felt guilt and shame. He just wanted to bury it.

Now we are in a place we can talk about anything very openly, analytically. No emotions to it, just matter of fact. He can talk about things in the past and accept them, but also he is reconciling it. He will say things that he knows he needs to work on, things he needs to work through. He is very aware of those things, but he also doesn't want to rush through them. He wants to make things right in himself, but he doesn't place a timeline on that. He talks about the crisis and his depression, like recently saying to someone that he wrote everyone out of his life for the past five years, except for his work. He is very aware of his actions and consequences. But he doesn't carry all this guilt and shame about it. Just like I can talk about the things that I did wrong as a wife in the past, but I don't feel a connection to that person. It's not who I am anymore. It's a reminder of who I don't want to be.

Maybe what's different is I see where I was at fault in our relationship more clearly than I put blame on him for where he was at fault. I'm more focused on the things I do and say. I know we have a long way to go, but I don't feel this anxiety to get anywhere like I did before, like I need to resolve this and this and this before I can be at peace and let it all go. I feel at peace now, without having full resolution or any expectations of where things are heading. I was so locked into timelines, calculating how much time he had left in this stage or that stage, what the statistics were, what chance did our marriage have or reconciliation. And now I don't even think about those things anymore. I just feel so disconnected from that.

OwnIt, skwm, mirage, thank you so much for your comments. I'm glad it helped. I love that quote by Jung! So perfect!