On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

KYH and Bttrfly - thanks for reminding me that this is not the same person. It helps to hear it.

Coly - thanks for the kind words.

Roist - I hope you are right that my kids will understand once they are grown.

So, h is all over the map. He goes from being cranky to, at times, being helpful. Overall, he is still reclusive and makes no eye contact. But sometimes, he is out of the dorm room and elsewhere in the house (very rare).

Last week I went in the yard to grab a lemon. H was showering and his window was open. I went close to the window and in a high pitched accent announced "housekeeping!!" Well, I must have startled him out of his fog because he got so mad and was yelling plus there was a ruckus. Annnd of course this window is right next to the neighbors (who already think he is nuts). It was a warm day and I didn't have the courage to see if their window was open.

I just left for work. I didn't think anything of it. It's the new reality with this cranky old goat of a h. I didn't see him again until I returned from work the next day. (He was holed up in the dorm room.) I opened the front door, h said something and it startled me as he was out of his dorm room and lurking in a corner (this is where he is when he's out of the room). I jumped and he said it was nothing compared to his scratches from my housekeeping stunt. He was trying to joke. I told him he was a cranky old goat (which he is) but I refrained from also telling him that this is his MLC spirit animal. He looked miffed but did not spew.

I find myself seeing humor in lots of places. It seems to annoy h. H scolded the kids for leaving dirty laundry in the washer and then not running it. He said the washer was not a hamper. And he said it's so gross you need a stick to get their clothes out. I laughed. Then a few minutes later I laughed again and couldn't stop. Then again. H got old goat cranky and asked me what was so funny. (It is so ironic that HE is telling THEM about grossness when his bathroom has not been cleaned in a year!). But it was the image of the stick that really got me. He told me it wasn't funny and I said it was to me and kept laughing. Old goat.

My car needed some repairs. I asked h his opinion about one of the repairs and he let me borrow one of his cars while mine was in the shop. That's big for him as he has had a tough time sharing in MLC.

But then, out of the clear blue he told s11 he wished he was in third grade, home, watching Scooby-Doo on Saturday.

I am okay. Family comes next week. I outright asked h if he was getting a cleaner for his bathroom. He immediately said yes and I thanked him.

At times, when I am not home he stays in the kitchen while s13 cooks. S jokes (in front of h) that it's like h is the kid and s is the adult. I asked which one of them was most trustworthy working with a stovetop and both agreed it was s13.

As for me, I've known for a while that this all has changed me. The landscape of my life has been altered forever, whether my m survives or not. I will never be the same. I won't think the same way ever again either. I always thought this would harden me. It some ways it has. However, I now have times where I really believe that for me, this is making me a better person. I have a compassion for people in that I truly understand that bad things can happen to good people. I have re-learned a level of self reliance and assuredness that I lost when h started picking at me like a vulture. I have learned to compartmentalize my troubles. Okay, a and b in my life are bad, but c - z is pretty good.