Haven't posted for a while, so I thought I would catch up on things. This is a long one
Blu......thanks for the comments. I have been more calm recently, which is new for me. I do still have moments where I feel the anger building up, but those are a lot less then usual. Not sure if I have finally learned to let some thing go, but I do feel better about how I am handling things.
Things here are moving along. Still working quite a bit. The house is officially on the market, so now I just hope I can find someone who wants to buy it
Relationship with H is hard to describe these days. Like I had mentioned previously, we had been spending a lot of time together because of the house, and that was becoming difficult for me. I did mention that to him and he said he understood.
He called a few days later and asked if I wanted to have dinner before coming to the house to finish up the jobs before officially listing it. We were having small talk about his life of course, and something came over me and I just laid it all out there. I asked him if he had any desire to want to work on our M, and did he see himself being with me moving forward? His answer was "I dont know" ...... so for me there was the answer to my question. He continued to sit there in silence, something he does very well. I told him that the only reason we have been spending time together was because of the house, otherwise there wouldn't be any reason for us to see or speak to each other. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he wanted a divorce or he wanted to stay together.......he couldn't do either. I then suggested to him that he file for D, and that we end all of this because clearly it is not working for me. He of course stayed silent. I stood up and walked to my car. He followed me and THEN he started talking?!?!?!
He said he doesn't know why he continues to be silent when I speak to him about subjects he doesn't want to talk about. He reverts back to when his dad would yell at him and he would shut down. He said he wasn't prepared for the conversation so he was taken off guard. There was a lot more in the conversation, but some things he said stood out to me.
- he said he doesn't think I should rush to make a decision like that - if my heart and head aren't thinking the same thing then I shouldn't decide - he asked me if I wanted him out of my life - he still has guilt, shame and regret - he feels like I don't believe him when he answers questions - he doesn't understand why I asked him questions about the A (haven't done that in a while)
There were many other things but I can not remember all of them.
I told him he needed to go home. He lingered in my car but then finally reached over to hug me. I asked him why he hugs me and he said it is a way for him to show some emotion, and is a way for him to show me that he cares. He said he thinks about me several times a day......not sure in what capacity.
The next day was the beginning of 3 long days for him. He is involved in something called Landmark Education.........they describe themselves as "a personal, professional growth and development company that enables people to produce extraordinary results and enhance the quality of their lives." He has been to one forum already and this was the beginning of the second phase. This has allowed him to open up emotionally, and he has become more in touch with his feelings, how he has behaved etc. BUT......honestly I am a bit skeptical of this because after attending the first forum he now speaks differently, and he has even said it is hard for him to communicate with me because the language they speak in Landmark is different then how I communicate? There is controversy surrounding this company, but I am trying not to let that influence me because it has definitely helped H.
He called me on a break during the second day to tell me he had been working through some things and just wanted to talk to me and to share and to let me know. The third day he called again and said he had a bit of a breakthrough and realized some things about our marriage and how he acted at times. He brought up an example of when he was a child and during a situation with his parents he felt rejected and not needed, and he now realized that this had an impact on him as an adult. He always wanted me to NEED him but I would tell him I don't need you, I WANT you, and for me that was better. For him it was the opposite, he needed me to need him.
He then proceeded to ask me if I would be interested in attending an introductory forum with him and said because "I want you to live the best life I know you can live".......this caught me off guard. I told him that I felt like it was a sales pitch and that I didn't appreciate him saying that I needed to change my life, and the only way I could do that was by attending the Landmark forum. He was upset by my response. He then said we communicate differently and we "speak a different language" and that he is learning a new language from this forum and it might make it difficult for us to communicate because of that. WTF?????
I don't want to go to the introductory meeting. I don't want to be made to feel like I need to change my way of thinking in order to accommodate him. Why can't we continue to work on ourselves separately and not be made to feel that if I don't attend that we can't/won't be able to communicate because of our differences?
So needless to say I am a bit confused by all of this from him. I hope that I am not making something out of nothing. Did I respond to harshly to him? Was I justified in my response? I really don't know.
What is upsetting to me is that I finally told him that I was done with all of this, wanted him to file for divorce and for us to move on separately and then he throws all of this at me.
