Hey guys, My wife on March 28th told me the dreaded "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" since then I have been doing the typical begging pleading etc. as of about a week ago I have stopped that and did a complete 180, I have given her the space to think, and have started to work on myself. a little backstory. Early on in our marriage I had an indiscretion with my Ex wife. nothing physical happened, she messaged me inappropriate things and I fed into it. After our divorce I was hurt, lonely, etc. But realized that I never really loved her. when she messaged me it was like I had the power and wanted her to hurt as bad as I did. So I lead her on. My now wife caught me, twice at this. once with pictures. We met up on two occasions. both non sexual, simple small talk really but still not right. she did try to kiss me, lips touched but I pulled away immediately.
I thought we had worked through it as it was 5+ years ago now. but it is coming back with a vengeance.
fast forward to now. She has stated that I don't listen, after some serious hard looks at myself she is right. I have since started to let her voice her opinion and views without me giving my two cents.
I am not emotionally available, so I have started to open up to her.
I have anger issues, I get angry quickly. I am going to therapy and starting to get back on my medication (diagnosed Bi-polar)
I had found that she has been talking to a few men online sending inappropriate messages back and forth. She has since stopped this. but it was a severe setback. I found the guy and was going to message him but thought better of it.
I told her parents about her messaging other men....I know that was wrong now.
We are currently separated, and starting to communicate now. both in therapy.
At first I was taking the advice from her family, wrong thing to do as it set us back sooo many times. now I have decided to follow what my heart tells me is right, the last two days have been amazing, I was invited to dinner, we laughed, talked etc. I was allowed to stay over as well. we have even started to open up together about the issues at hand. She told the therapist that on a scale of 0-10 her want to fix the marriage was a 4, yesterday she said she raised it to a 5!
Am I holding on to false hope that this is good?
I sent her a text saying that we shouldn't communicate but for one day a week. she expressed that this was a terrible idea, so for now I am letting her be the one to instigate all conversation.
We have been married for a little over 8 years two beautiful children S-6 D-4
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you Cadet, I have read and re-read most of that! Got some great insight as to a direction to go. and purchased the books from Michelle. they should be here next Tuesday, I live in the middle of nowhere.
I'm sorry you're here. I don't think it's false hope; I think it's a good thing. Just keep in mind that there's probably a lot of work ahead and you'll probably experience some bad days as well.
But, what I really want to know is, do you have a 70 Cuda? Does it have a 440 hemi?
I know there are bad days ahead, I expect many of them....I am in this for the long haul! this woman is the love of my life, my soulmate. Even she admits that when we are together we level each other.
Yes I have a 70 cuda that I am in the midst of restoring. It has a 440 but will be stroked to a 512.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed. None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
...but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
70Cuda,
I completely understand. Once you've got a handle on the situation, you've got to make your own decisions and take you own path. I think that's a real sign of strength.
She already knows about this site. I don't hide anything from her. Really this is just for support and advice when needed. None of the conventional methods I have tried worked. but doing it my own way yielded the best results by far!
Sorry you're here, but this ^^ means you get it. Its by doing the heavy lifting yourself on your own terms for you that things turn around. Does not guaranty anything in your M, but does put you in the best position for yourself.
Best of luck.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
