Ok, I'm going to do my best to respond to all of your posts.
25 - regarding my convo with W, you're right. I should have just listened and validated. I know it's not W's job to make me happy and I honestly thought I was doing MUCH better with that during the 10 months we were piecing. I have spoken to C about this and will see if we can dive a little deeper into it.
Regarding soothing myself, I dont think I ever developed that skill. When I was 10 years old, my sister (16 years old) was killed instantly in an auto accident. My mom was put on tranquilizers for a year and my dad started working 80 hour weeks. I felt not only abandoned by my sister, but my parents as well.
I spent the 4th grade in home schooling because I developed agoraphobia and refused to leave the house. The house was the only place I felt safe and every time my parents walked out the door, I thought it would be the last time I would see them.
Because I wasn't getting any better, my parents put me in a psychiatric hospital for 3 months. I felt even more abandoned. I developed some issues with anxiety and panic as a result.
^^^^ this is probably why I pick the relationships I do.
Like Zeus, I would pick women with equally sh!tty self esteem and figured if I could rescue them and save them from their issues, they would think of me as a hero and never want to leave.
Unfortunately, this thinking never got me anything but heartbreak.
Regarding abandoning myself, this is definately something I do. Typically when I feel my anxiety building, I immediately look for something to take the edge off instead of sitting with my feelings and letting them pass. Sometimes, I'll even come to the DB board as a distraction.
Sitting alone with my thoughts and feelings feels like I have no skin. I'm exposed and raw and I feel everything. It literally can feel like I'm jumping out of my own skin. Often it brings up the exact feelings I had when I was 10 years old.
