25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Yes this is true.

Very true and it's a lot of what I'm working on with my new T. I asked her for the type of T that checks me. Not just letting me talk and hope I glean from the universe, etc.

And not the type that says "whatever feels right or good, do it!"

I want to lead a morally good life BECAUSE that helps me be happy.

DATING vs R QUESTIONS

I know I'm not ready for a "relationship". I hear that generically and "never marry the first R you date. Never..."

I hear this from T's and it makes sense b/c I'm obviously angry at h and not totally detached.

Must I be totally detached to be in a R? I think so.

I think I have to be detached from h in order to have a R...but maybe to just share a dinner and movie, maybe I don't require total detachment? Just can't bash h all night b/c If I'm doing that, I must not be ready for any fun.

Guys, I'm not experienced with this. Obviously.

I really do not want to have fear in my next r. Don't get me wrong. Of course there's fear in love b/c you are taking a risk with your heart. I get that. But if it's really not right, I'll walk.

There are lots of things worse than being alone. (So far I'm not hating living alone, btw. Maybe around the holidays I will? I don't think I'll borrow trouble from the future right now. I had dinner with a neighbor last night, btw. Lunch tomorrow with high school friends. And seeing my T, and doing divorce pooperwork.

I know I'd rather be alone - than wish I was alone.

And I know we all have to work on lasting r's. Yeah, i think we know that.

There's a difference though. I see mediocre r's around sometimes and IF there are no kids and no marital commitment or long history then WHY??

There are no ties and it's like inertia has just taken over. A very close friend of mine is in a r with an obvious impasse. NO sexual compatibility and one partner pays NOTHING towards expenses, even after 6 years and yes he works. She says those are deal breakers...6 years of deal breakers, and no marriage and no kids.

Man, after all the - hard a$$ work I have put into this m, and all the years, the decades. the thousands of nights without a lover or coparent or friend in bed with me b/c h's hours were unrelenting...i'm just not up for someone with major baggage. Not over 40....

I want an honest, kind man (who gets my jokes- b/c I'm friggin' hilarious)...and a bit of chemistry would be delightful.

Is it too much to ask they have NO glaring flaw or deficit from childhood that he has not worked out by the time he's in his 40's??? B/c i'm thinking, No thank you kind sir, No thanks...

is ^^^this being too picky of me?

I know I will NOT be shamed again, since that comes from within us. Our concern about how we are viewed by others.

SHAME and fear of blowing it.

In terms of blowing it, I'm not really the type to move too fast. (OR at least I never was before.) So the "blowing it" would mean we discover an incompatibility and that's not really blowing it. it's finding out you're not well suited. That's important to know, right?

I mean, what's the biggest challenge in dating after a painful divorce (as opposed to the fun painless divorces)??


QUESTION, my son30 asks me questions and we talk like we are friends.

I'm not totally comfortable with ^^that. It's new. I'm still the parent. He's very mature, and protective and angry at h.

S30 said for me "stop being incredulous that h's playing dirty." Ouch

So I just wanted feedback on that change in parent child r, which I'm not okay with, at least not yet. WE get along well, to be clear.

And I ask you guys for some prayers folks, b/c the status hearing that was supposed to be pro forma in the morning, like in 12 hours,

has turned into a surprise attack from h's new lawyers (tundra based) and his CA lawyer joined, I suppose. It's morphing into a big thing for H to lower support payments (he's never paid them BUT THEY'RE TOO HIGH...)

he quit his job to avoid paying...incredible.

I also found evidence of some major hiding of money 5 years ago. There MAY be a reasonable explanation for it (truly) but I just cannot think of one. It says business account for services rendered...I cannot decide if I want a legit reason for themoney being there, which likely means its gone OR if I want it to be there so I get half.

But that means' he's been psycho lying for 6 years???

Lovely...
Yikes I am rambling because i fear the hearing in the morning..


but I'm so overdue for sleep. Good night to my journal audience feedback, fellow travelers, and DB friends...

May we have a good, even lucky day this monday.

xoxo