25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Would the author of that letter ever let herself believe that it takes two to tango?

I'd love to hear your thoughts [/quote]


FYI I did Not write that letter. So I can't speak for the author. And since I don't know your situation or wife enough, I cannot predict what she'll do. I don't know what steps you are taking that your w can see and feel are real.
If she doubts the changes won't last, then she's afraid of a backslide into a marriage she wants out of, and which hurt her deeply.

Sure It takes two to make a marriage work. I doubt it's often 50/50, but I think it shifts from 80/20 at times, to 30/70 and it ebbs and flows...both ways.

I happen to think it can take just one to ruin a marriage.
Regardless,

Boils down to why YOU are here. It is not about her. She's not here. I'll repeat that for emphasis. It's Not about her.

Are you here to do what you can to become the best version of yourself, and hopefully save your m as well,

OR

to get a verdict about who shall be assigned the higher % of blame, & who is more right??

Sometimes we worry that admitting our mistakes means someone will kick us when we are down, OR that those mistakes equate to us being unworthy of being loved. A fear of rejection is closely linked to shame. Hence the terror some have of admitting our errors.
I'm not sure how forgiveness was modeled in your childhood home, or what it looks like to you. But I think it's important.

In any case, why are you here now? If you are here to work on yourself & improve as a h, then why make this about your w? (Or the author of the letter?)

I kept a copy of that letter b/c the author made great points. The guy to whom she addressed it, really took it in and changed his paradigm. His name was Denver.

After personal work and some changes, Denver was actually indignant and increasingly angry that she would not take him back after his changes and he started to ponder HER failings...but fortunately he came here first.
In time and with an inward journey, Denver came to see that he was not "entitled" to another chance.

He stopped making the recon all about when his wife "should" take him back and he definitely stopped worrying about her doing her work. He was just humbled by the insights shared by the author of that letter (whose name escapes me at the moment) and humbled by a brave look within. He faced his own Sandbox and got in it to do real work.

Once humbled, a transformation took place in Denver.

Denver bravely faced some dark things in him that he did not want to face. He didn't like everything he found. But he chose to look at them anyhow, he chose to address those dark pieces and to expunge them from his heart. He changed. He came to know and love himself a lot more.

It's such a gift to see the miracle of spiritual awakenings lead to profound change in someone. It certainly has helped me face mine. I am grateful for this site.

I have attended some scary personal growth workshops that changed the trajectory of my life. I have gotten great therapy, had a Godsent DB coach. Now I am okay with screwing things up - in the sense that admitting them does not make them worse.

It's only by seeing the truth of where I am, that I can change where I'm going.

Denver wondered out loud whether he simply wanted to "win" his wife back, so as not to be the rejected party
VERSUS truly loving the woman he'd married.


According to Denver, he become a MUCH better man than he ever would have been, were it not for this ordeal.

He fully faced his truth as a h. He admitted that he'd been neglectful of his w, often critical, complacent in the m, and sometimes worse, off and on for nearly 5 years of their m. In sum, he really did "get it." And he worked to change those things about himself.

Bigy, Denver KNEW his w had issues of her own. Heck, We all knew. But his work was HIS WORK....so he stayed in his sandbox and he kept out of hers...

Later, when he showed his w thru consistent changes, over time, that he was the man she'd always wanted him to be,

it was then that she began her own journey and her own program and she too, was humbled.

To my knowledge, they are in a restored marriage.

Speaking for myself, I find it liberating not to worry about what my H is doing or if he realizes his part, or will ever know the pain he caused, or work to repair it, etc. I don't know if he'll ever face it or shoulder it or own ANY of it.

I do know that I spent way too much of MY LIFE wondering about that^^.

I never had control over any of it anyhow. And, I could have spent all that time on improving myself.

It's just so freeing to know that h's issues & awareness, or lack thereof, are Not my problems.

I have enough to work on in my sandbox.

Make sense?