The excitement of what if

[Zues126]

Your wife's accusations were based on what Exactly?

Totally out of left field. I took some speed pills once in 2012 during a 72 hour pool gambling challenge match. This was years after my last child was born. Prior to that I hadn't taken anything like that since 2003 before we met. There was a two month period just before I met her that I binged once or twice playing pool all night. But after I met her I didn't do anything like that other than that one incident. So somehow she heard a story about either that match or something that happened in 2003 and constructed a 10 year addiction that was responsible for our miscarriage and the problems in our marriage.

But here's the thing. I don't really care anymore. She's on her road, I'm on mine. I'm moving forward. The only thing I care about is that my children have their mother in their lives. She has her problems but is a very good mom to the kids.

See, there are three main phases of our relationship: Our marriage, Post BD, and today moving forward. They are totally different. What I would say is that she had her problems during our marriage and I had mine. But we loved each other deeply and did our best in our own way which was fraught with shortcomings. It is unfortunate that our marriage was terminated prior to working through our problems. Then when BD hit she went a bit insane. I think it's safe to say that her behavior the last 3 years has been truly bat $hit crazy. But I am focused on moving forward. And the kids are fine so beyond that nothing else matters.

So we can talk about what happened during your marriage, we can talk about what he did post BD, but the most pressing issue is what you choose to do today. Focusing just on what you do today I don't know that lobbing out accusations, hashing up marital problems and suspicions or theories of addictions or mental problems, and questioning his ability to take care of your child is going to be the best play. While it would be nice to get validation, apologies, clarification, and closure from WAH, that isn't going to happen. What's more important is that your son has the opportunity to grow up with both parents in his life and a lack of drama. Again, if you feel there is serious immanent risk for your son spending time with WAH then talk to your lawyer or an IC to get a professional opinion. Just present the facts and see if they are equally concerned and feel there is a reason to take such decisive legal action. If they do, then do what you have to do. But J, removing the father from a son's life is a pretty monumental step to take, the same as I was faced with. The risks would have to be evident to my team of professionals before I would take that course. Outside of this we can debate all day long about the past, but this was my main point.

Now that that's set aside for now, if you want to rehash your marriage you can do that. But I've said it before and I'll say it again. There isn't a person on here that can't take their ex's most horrible moments, create a highlight reel out of them, and build a case that they were a monster. So seeing some shocking footage of your WAH's tirades doesn't shock me to the core. Obviously that was him at his worst during the dark hours of your marriage. Yes, it is truly deceit that he was spending that type of money without your knowledge. But you know J, some of the very few marriages I know that are good have gotten through much, much worse. I know a happily married couple in which the husband was in a public adulterous affair for five years while they were married and she somehow waited it out. He ended it and is back with her, and they have another child now. I know another man who was alcoholic and partied it up during out of town pool tournaments. 10 years of that but a few years ago he cleaned up his act and has been totally recommitted to his marriage and seems to be a model husband. In fact this used to really upset me, I look at what these two did compared to what I did in my marriage and I would get outraged that XW walked on me. But my point is that I believe that almost all marriages go through hardship. Had your WAH not left and you had the opportunity to work through things there is a chance that some of these things would've been blips on the radar in a lifelong marriage. So I'm not sure you have to make them his legacy. In fact, in saying this, both of these marriages were gone past where yours is at one point. I don't know there is anything wrong with continuing to DB and being open to the possibility of a universe in which this isn't the end. And that as you know is all about detachment and letting him go on his journey, and for you to work on your 180s which seem to be about anger and control.

I do agree with what you've said about trusting yourself and being firm in what you know is right. I've written about this a lot on my threads, how I used to abdicate my power because I used to second guess myself so perpetually. But I've learned that compared to what I see when I look at the rest of the world I have healthy beliefs that I feel strongly about, and I have the ability to lead my family with a calm authority. This doesn't mean that I am not open to hearing my choices or outlooks challenged and that I wouldn't need to course correct at times. But I have learned to trust myself and frankly I'm darn proud of how well things are going since I've done so. So I think you can say the same thing. It's ok to trust yourself. You're right that WAH had problems because he was human, you're right that he made some bad choices. You know you did as well. In the end the only irreversible decision was his choice to end the marriage. That I don't agree with. But it's done. So go ahead and sort through this here and there, let it go, trust yourself to lead forward, and that all starts with making the right choices for your son today.

As for your WAH's lack of involvement with son and reluctance to pay support, I am not totally surprised. In the short term I think this is pretty typical given the circumstances. See, he wanted to get away from you. That was it. He just wanted out. Free from your control. He was running. In his mind your son was a way that you could continue to control him through the legal system and if he didn't do what you demanded people with guns would show up to force him to. I'm not suggesting he doesn't have an obligation to provide for your son. My only point is that his reaction to try to get as far away as possible and acting uncooperatively fits the picture of a wild animal running uncontrollably away from something terrifying it. That's why he flew off the handle when you involved the courts for spousal support. Of course he was being unreasonable. Yet he was hurt and terrified beyond reason. It wouldn't surprise me if once things settle down your WAH will realize how much his son means to him and he'll start wanting more time with him and stepping up as a father. He just needs to get far enough away to see you aren't chasing him and tugging at his leash. Which is why I think bringing up the past or criticizing him for his lack of involvement with son now would only keep him running from you. Just let the man be and when he realizes he's not being chased or prodded anymore he might turn into a decent father. That may sting because it doesn't fit a narrative that means everything was his fault or that things are better off without him, but in the end it will mean that your son gets a good father. And I think that's the most important thing right now. Plus, it also means your son will have a great example of someone handling a hard situation with a ton of class. And it will feel really good to look in the mirror and know you have risen above it all. I know, because that's how I feel.

Maybe secretly I'm also rooting for you to let some of this go because it is so rare to see someone on these forums look back years later and say their D was a loss. Somehow it's unanimous that everyone's XH and marriage was bad and they are glad it's dead. Can you think of any posters that while their XH and marriage had problems they wish it hand't have ended? I guess I was hoping you'd have been the first.