I have ran the possibility in my mind that I am over reacting. That I am anxious and creating a history that does not exist. That I am using this to make a failed marriage less my fault and more his because it is am easy answer. And I really don't want to do that. The one thing in life i always seek from myself is being in reality and being self aware. And I get frightened at the thought that I might not me.
But where does the line cross between denial and enablement vs letting go? I feel like I was enabling secrecy and financial suspicions for years.
Your wife's accusations were based on what Exactly? I think it must be awful to be accused of something you did not do and I empathize with you for that. Perhaps she was projecting? From reading in your posts, I quite honestly do not understand her accusations. You seem responsible with the children And you have been unbelievably generous financially. Your actions do not seem to meet what she says. Now I know this is an anonymous forum and we can portray ourselves anyway on here. But from what you write, her accusations seem off base and unjustified. To me, she seems like she is always looking for something to get mad at you about. Whether it be an old miscarriage or not dressing your daughter to her standards. I know that she herself was am addict, and I know that an addicts brain changes.
I am not your wife. You are not like my husband. At least I don't think so.
I do understand how our own experiences make us suspect to others though. I know any divorced man I meet, I will be suspicious of. I will assume he left her the way mine did me. I know i assumed the worst of a really lovely poster on here who was engaged to a divorced man.
My ex would not give me child support. My ex did not want much child custody. I pushed him to take on more. When we moved in our old place, I was getting calls at work to come pick up son from preschool because my ex slept through alarm clocks at 12:00pm. My ex did not wake up till 2 in afternoon and was up all night. He was constantly disappearing to run errands. He would leave work at strange times and now I know he was leaving work to visit the far away sketchy towns to take out money. He was constantly in the bathroom.
During my first miscarriage, my ex screamed at me the whole way in the car to the hospital because I got mad at him for not waking up to watch son cause I wasn't feeling right. He screamed at his mom too because she came over and was trying to yell at him to wake up and get me to the hospital.
My second miscarriage I had to induce and he went to work and got mad at me when I called him and was upset. With that miscarriage I had been diagnosed with cancer and had to go for a surgery with only local surgery..2 days post surgery he woke me up at 7 30am because he needed to sleep and told me it wasn't even generalized anesthesia.
While married, my ex would not let me see his finances. I had no idea even what his exact salary and take home pay was. He would deflect and we would argue when i tried to make sense of it and so I just gave up.
Did you do any of this? I am not your wife getting upset over minor and silly things zues. I am not imagining this stuff.
I am very stable and hard working and rational. I am pretty intelligent. I am and have never had an addiction issue. I am well grounded. I have my flaws and I'm not denying them but I feel like in all my relationships (2 of them ) I have given the benefit of the doubt to my partner. I always doubted myself and my perceptions. And felt that others knew better. That ultimately I was wrong and over anxious. I blamed my ex"s reactions on me. I constantly go over and over in my mind and on here the things he did because They were wrong and I have to see that on paper or i doubt myself.
I don't want to keep doing that because I know something is really really off.
People tried to tell me the same thing with my son when he was having all these behavior issues. I pursued anyway and now he is getting great help and the same people that thought I was exaggerating are now asking me to teach them the tools I have learned to help my son.
My accusations are based on seeing c.c. statements with consistent 200 to 300 dollars per month from various liquor stores. There is a total of 17,000 from just 1 year of marital funds withdrawn from ATM in just 1 remote and bad neighborhood. That does not include other remote and bad neighborhoods. There is unexplained credit card debt that goes along with it.
To me, this is very scary and something to address.
At the very least he was depleting marital assets. Trust me. I would much prefer that be the case.
I don't have the hard core proof like a black out or OD because of the secrecy involved and because he was not around.
There is nothing I would like more then to know that my son is safe with him every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer, because for me that is a nice break and time for myself. If there is an issue, it makes things much more difficult. I am not wanting that or looking for it. But I do need to know my son is safe.
I don't know how to do this in a way that will make for positive relations. Nitnit is the goal. And so far I have done nothing yet.
