The excitement of what if

[Zues126]

As you'll recall my XW just made these same accusations of me last month. She couldn't have been further from the truth. Somehow she took some scraps of information and used it to extrapolate out a totally different universe. In fact, here's an excerpt from that email:

while we had an agreement to not do anything while we were trying for kids... maybe (miscarriage) that we lost was due to what you were on at night without telling me for 10 yrs! Seriously, the things I find out now, that shouldn't affect me and you probably laugh about..... they cause so much hurt. I trusted you and never hid anything. Ya we are divorced and 'done' in many aspects now. I still gotta say, I know people you do too, and the things I've heard and believe on top of taxes burning me, you having kids half the time that I lose from raising them during.... I wish you would explain cause it hurts so. I thought you were bipolar. Now looking back it could have been withdrawls, nothing of my fault. I'm feeling so decieved. I never hid anything from you. All I did was try to raise our kids and I wasn't good enough for you ever. Recently learned deceit burns me deep. Wft, really? The deceit I feel is substantial and I'd wish you came clear with me while we were married. Why hide that? It only made things worse. The fact you never told me is just horrible. I trusted you with my life and our kids. If your doing that caused our kids issues or the loss of (miscarriage),... these are the things you leave me with as an ex wife that was always open and honest with you. I can't believe you can hurt me so much now learning what I missed. But you did. Good for u. All I do is try to be the best person I can. A lot of good that does. I'm still in shock but it fits all together so much better. Why would you hide that from your WIFE, after she devoured her life to yoy,

This was total and complete nonsense. If I didn't have it in writing I wouldn't even believe it's possible for someone to have conjured all of this in their mind. And she's blaming me for her having the children half the time when the D was entirely her decision, and attacking me about her finances when I have been paying 100% of my income and living with relatives and going into debt to make the payments even my mediator told me were more generous than she thought was fair to me. Just totally twisted. And her constant diagnosing of me, when the only time I've ever felt crazy is when I was in that relationship and the further I move past it the more steady and solid I feel. And she ends by talking about how honest she was and what a good person she is, probably typing this with an unmarried OM passed out on my kid's couch while they are sleeping. OK, I'm done.

You mentioned a few things about after BD, being seen with a second shirt in his car, etc. I'll take your word for it, what someone does after they drop the bomb isn't really my focus right now. It's this rewriting of your marital history and how you intend to act on that incomplete information in ways that will impact your co-parenting relationship and possibly your child that concerns me.

J, no one knows everything about their spouse. At some point we are all just living with an alien creature wearing a mask of what we want them to be over their face, getting hurt when they don't act consistently with what we wish they were. Now you're flipping it and projecting this monster onto the same man. He is neither the guy you dreamed he was when you married him nor the monster you see today. He is just a guy with his qualities and his problems.

In the end it's your decision how you want to frame your failed marriage and I'll leave you to that as it doesn't impact anyone. I would just be very careful to start lobbing accusations around the courtroom. If there is a grave threat to your child then act on it, but ATM withdrawals from years ago doesn't make me fear for your child's safety. I had to manage when my XW came back from the hospital after attempted suicide and was black out drinking, and my L, DB coach and I all agreed it wouldn't be good to start a custody war with social services in the middle and dividing two families for generations only to take my child away from their mother. We watched the situation, and lo and behold, everything is fine and my kids have a good relationship with both me and their mother. Isn't that what you want?