Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[25yearsmlc]

25,

Based of the few R talks since the bomb.... she has conceded that she does have deep rooted issues that she wants resolved. Issues from having a very difficult upbringing with a lunatic mother and a unavailable father. A huge problem was that she was raped by an 18yo neighbor when she was 14. When she told her mother her mother turned her back on her and blamed her for flirting with the neighbor and shamed her and the farther barley stood up for her. My W just disclosed that to me recently, I never knew.

These are ^^ problems. Guilt and shame can be corrosive.

Like your w in some ways, My h had a weird upbringing. His mom was kind but mentally ill often, (so h parented her at times) and a military father who was gone for long long chunks of time, and who had a temper and drinking problem when he was home (though he was smart and had some good qualities too, but not very stable).
H was the oldest of 2 and he bore way too much responsibility at an early age.

HOWEVER that's not a reason for his present choices, or for me to be plagued with nagging doubts about his credibility, forever. I had a challenging childhood too, and guess what? I got therapy and attended workshops and I got the tools I needed to dump the baggage on my own, not on someone else.

This^^ is why I can only go so far about labels of "MLC" or "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", etc. I did my work, pe

In the final analysis, it's about what type of father and h, my h was and what type of mother your wife is, and wife. Your needs count too, obviously. AND your kids...

IF they know of the A, it's only fair they know SOME of your w's issues. I mean it's her story to tell, but it's reasonable to tell the kids she has some "hard issues from childhood that may be a driving force she'll have to learn to deal with..."

And leave it at that. It's important that our children not think the wayward spouse/MLC whatever, is not a bad person. Even if you think they are...here's an illustrative anecdote.

A woman in a contentious divorce was driving her 6 y/o son home from school. She got a call from her soon to be xh, and they briefly argued. She sighed, but said nothing about her h, to their son.

But the boy looked up at his mom and asked "is my dad a bad person?"

In that moment she was embarrassed at her behavior. Her son knew he was made up of half his dad and half her...and she could not bare to tell her son that half of him came from a bad person, even though in her heart she really saw her h in that light. She knew it would be unhealthy for her son. Who knows how that belief might manifest later? I think there are often generational effects we cannot know when we remark in anger...

and in some states if you bad mouth your x to the kids, you can lose custody. It's called "parental alienation".

Anyhow, I'll write more later. If your w really does want to own her stuff and work on it and seems truly remorseful, you have a real shot if you want it.

You actually have what most LBSers want when they arrive here.

((( )))
She's been seeing a psychiatrist (2 sessions) and apparently she's told him everything. The psychiatrist suggested that I join in on the next session. She claims as a result of that incident described above, that she always needs to do bad things and keep/have secrets mostly because she wasn't protected by her parents. She doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs. She also said that anyone (including me) who tried to protect her she would naturally push them away. So I know I have a steep climb.

I'm pretty sure both of my kids know... I had a couple of conversations with S14 and he claims that he overheard us discussing it when the news first broke. I tried to answer his questions as best as I could without lying to him. As far as my D16, I think she knows cause S14 does and they are close. I've asked D16 if she needed to talk, she said no she was fine and wanted to focus on school. The first month was tense around here, so one can assume this had an effect on them. Both W and I are being a lot calmer now out of courtesy for them.

The NC letter seems to be for me. I view the OM as a predator and an enemy to my family, W including. Although I exposed it to OMW, I still feel the need to watch both W and OM closely. W claims he was just the source of the "secret" and not much emotional attachment. I don't particularly buy it.

I read the book "Not Just Friends" recommended by my DB coach. I asked W the 10 questions that were laid out in the book and to answer them honestly. One of the questions was.. did she have any other inappropriate behavior within our M? Her answer was no. I only had a gut suspicion that it was only this one OM. He was older and fit the father that was always unavailable to her.

I can say I'm trying to GAL, I'm not perfect. I detached and go dark when we aren't around each other. as I said we work and live together and its heard to detach. Any recommendations would the very much appreciated.

Thanks for the input.