Continuing to GAL. I'm solidifying some friendships at work and getting out and socializing. This morning I went to a spin class, my first one ever. I managed to convince a coworker to come with me, since I was really nervous. And good thing, too. There were all sorts of bike adjustments and things I didn't know. I didn't push myself too hard, since I just wanted to get through the class, and I am proud to say that I did it. I'll be doing more of those; it was fun.
It's been a tough week of lawyers and communication. Apparently H is beginning to realize that he's in trouble financially unless he gets me to compromise, as the law is on my side. I'm willing to compromise, but he doesn't know that. I really needed him to experience a dose of reality about what his choices mean, because I felt like he thought there was a magical "undo" button.
After asking me to meet him twice to sign his BS contract, I sent him my attorney's version via email. He replied saying he would review it with his lawyer but wanted to know why I felt it was an equitable division and if I could let him in on my thought process.
Um, no. That's not how that works. You don't get to leave the partnership and then be privy to my thoughts. I think he may have been trying to get me to put something incriminating in writing, and I don't know what that would be, but still.
Though I am happy that I have the clear advantage here, it also feels awful. If I could choose between coming into money, or living the life I chose with the man I chose in the house that I chose, I'd go for the latter in a heartbeat. Instead, I feel like I'm burning more and more bridges by standing up for myself and not helping him do what he needs to cut and run and experience no consequences.
I'm worried this makes it easier for him to dislike me. Not that he could dislike me more, as somehow I am the embodiment of all that is wrong with the world (he can't not think that without his whole plan falling apart), but it is still really hard.
I don't really know how to DB while also negotiating financial stuff, as it seems at odds with what I'm supposed to be doing - validating, being a friend. When I have to respond, I'm friendLY in my messages and I keep them brief.
I'm doing my best to heal and imagine a happy life without him. It takes a great deal for me to really let my guard down with someone and I felt like I'd done that, so it hurts. I heard an old song on the radio that we'd adapted into a silly song that was an inside joke between the two of us. We'd belt it out and make one another laugh.
Also, driving home last night, I was on a route I don't usually take. I had to drive under an overpass that led to my old neighborhood. I passed by a wind turbine that I used to be able to see the tippy-top of when I would sit in bed with a cup of coffee on the weekends. That led to a crying fit. I miss him. I miss my house. I miss the life I had.
Mostly, I'm doing okay. I'm trying not to be strong every day and be open to life as it comes. I still have my moments, though.
