This is such an engrained behavior/belief system for me. I do have very short bursts of clarity where I realize I'm strong enough to make it on my own. And that I might even be better off without W and her issues that she's never been willing to address or work on. Thornton, if you w were never to address those issues within her, and her unusual r with her mom continued- I venture to say there's no way you will be happy and secure in this m. You're not happy now, and it would be more of the same. The only way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior, for both parties.
Since you have a d16 and are 40+, can you tell me what your life was like before you met your w? And what was your R like with your D before you met W?
I'm just trying to see what is is you are so attached to, compared to your life before. I sense a serious abandonment fear in you, and that's pretty much in your sandbox, not your w's. Do you get what I'm saying?
But those fleeting thoughts are short lived at best. Watching W walk away is like watching a part of me walking away, leaving me a shell of myself.
^^this scares the hell out of me. Can you say what specifically scares the hell out of you? What is the worst thing or the biggest fear? I mean, like "If w leaves I will....what?"
always be alone? Never have friends? Never have sex again? Die in a ditch, undiscovered for weeks until the wolves find you?
I'm sort of kidding, but mostly want you to realize that the worst possible scenario is
1) survivable and 2) something you can affect.
I've suppose I've never developed the ability to soothe myself. I'd almost always stuff my feelings or run from them. Denial is a coping mechanism for me.
Please share this^^ with your IC. It is valuable info.
Denial is not a coping mechanism; it's the opposite. It is a way to pretend you don't have to cope.
The inability to soothe oneself or affirm oneself means that there is a lot of emotional draining and exhausting of those around you, in order for you to feel okay enough to function, let alone feel good about yourself.
That is precisely because you do not know how to soothe yourself and it's a basic life skill one must gain to function well in healthy relationships.
It's not your w's job or your d's job, to "make" you feel good about yourself.
No one can compensate you for your haunting self doubt or childhood traumas and unresolved issues. Your w has some of her own, to be sure. But Thornton, you know you have a lot of work in your own sandbox, correct?
The inability to soothe or comfort or affirm yourself, to feel a basic Relational confidence is a great insight for you to have.
It's a valuable starting point for you with your IC. Have you discussed it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
