25 yearsMLC 10 years late I FILE part 2

[leahsue]

25,
Reading your last few posts, a swirl of memories has come flooding back to me from my first marriage and horrible, awful divorce. I hesitate to post anything back to you that smacks of my having any answers, because you are so great with words and your advice to so many hurting people on here is so straight on point, that I am a little intimidated to try to reach out to you. But I can't keep silent right now. So here's my $.2.
My EX-H (who I was married to for 22 years, and have been divorced from for more than 15 years), is and was a raging, textbook narcissist. Your H doesn't sound like a straight up, always been one, but does show many of the characteristics. When we went through our divorce, our children were 17 and 20. Son had moved out to college, daughter still at home in HS. They had their own struggles with H through the years-son was more like me, non-confrontative, people-pleaser, just get through the day and keep H from being upset, so he dealt with his emotions and bottled up anger through drug abuse, and has now been to rehab twice. I'm not blaming H for it, but dulling the pain was certainly something we all became experts in. My daughter was much more like her dad, and would welcome a heated debate with him, but could never hone the skills to beat him at his own game, so she dealt with her frustration by bulimia. When she confided in me, I immediately took her straight to a counselor, who over the years, I think, saved us all. In one of the first counseling meetings with H, D and me, H said, and I quote, "YOU WILL NOT THROW UP IN MY HOUSE. I WILL LOCK EVERY BATHROOM DOOR AND SHOW YOU WHO CONTROLS WHETHER YOU THROW UP OR NOT." Yes, he truly saw himself in a position to control bathroom privileges by locks, I guess forgetting that throwing up does not require a toilet. D, counselor and me just stared at him incredulously. He never got it. So, his plan "kind of" worked. She did eventually quit throwing up. She also quit eating. When she was down to 75 lbs. and near hospitalization, I began to re-think the wisdom in staying with this man who I did not even recognize anymore. Through 2 more years of counseling, sometimes 3 times a week, as she became stronger and wiser, so did I. As she turned a corner in therapy, so did I, right along with her. When she was finally stable enough and strong enough, I attempted to leave him. God forbid, no one had ever stood up to him. He fought me with everything he had, every dollar, every threat, everything. Not because he loved me, but because he would not give up control. Police were involved and even had to arrest him twice. Tires were cut, HVAC units in my rental were destroyed, a private inves was hired to follow me, H followed me, sat outside my apt at night, tried to set me up for a DUI-it goes on and on. And it didn't stop when divorce was final either. To this day, I have to block him on every available source- social media, phone, email, everything- and we have both been married to other people for over TEN YEARS NOW. The whole reason I tell you all this sordid tale (besides the fact that once I started I couldn't stop so evidently I needed to vent ONE MORE TIME) is the way my children have reacted to the saga over the years. They are now 31 and 34, and both doing wonderfully, both in long term relationships, both working in professional jobs, and as far as I can tell, dealing with their own demons/addictions keeping them in check. I shielded them from the things I could, and although they witnessed way too much, I realize now in conversations the 3 of us have, there are many, many things they were never aware of, and for that I am thankful. They both have come to a place where they tolerate a relationship with their dad, but can only stand it in very small doses, maybe an hour at a time, before he blows and tries to draw them into something, oftentimes still bringing up me. He will always be angry that I was able to leave him. I believe he would kill me if given the chance, even now. They stop him in his tracks, and don't allow the conversations to continue, and they freely tell me all this. The 3 of us have a bond that will never be broken, because in many ways, we withstood the storm together and we all survived. It took years for them to, over time, ask me about specifics of things that he had told them (lies, absurd lies) about facts that could have easily been proven or not, and I've been able to clear up some of those things, but honestly, after they began to see the pattern of his craziness, it started to matter less and less to them. The truth of people's inside light WILL come out, over time, without any help from us. Your children sound very healthy, and grounded, and they have a wise, steady, calm role model in you. They will see all they need and make their own evaluations of both you and their dad, especially as they grow and mature. As far as what to tell them, I'd say as little as is necessary, and maybe just be honest and say exactly why- he will always be your dad, and the relationship you have with him is exactly that- yours. You're not going to trash the man to them, of course, but I don't think you have to do anything but let them love him as best they can, b/c God know, he's going to need someone to love him in the years to come-it sounds like he's busy burning bridges now and with that personality, will probably continue that path. Not your problem, though. The kids will know, and their respect and admiration for you will only become stronger as they face trials of their own, and they look back and remember how you withstood yours as a brave, strong, confident woman. Trust me on that.
Sorry for the hijack about me- it didn't start out that way, but as you point out, just saying it out loud is so healing sometimes. Breathe in, breathe out.
Thanks again for your commitment to this forum and all the time you take to help hurting people. It's a real gift you have, and you're using it so well.