...it would piss me off. Even if it wasn't this subject matter and was none of my business. The nature of asking a question generally implies that the asker feels -- right or wrong -- they have a right to know, otherwise they wouldn't have asked in the first place (I know, I'm making a sweeping statement). I don't have a better answer for you, but some more neutral language may be better for the time being.
Is it possible H has had a small stroke or multiple silent-strokes? My F had a lot of micro/silent-strokes that went undetected for a long time. I'm actually not sure how long, to be honest. But his behavior changed and even though he was generally the same person, he did a lot of weird stuff. He had a small electronics company that was on the verge of closing some really big deals. I think some of them even closed and money had come in. Rather than...you know...work on the business, he decided he was going to buy some large short wave radio antennas in French Guiana and partner with a religious radio station and start some sort of short wave radio network. This had nothing to do with his business. I only talked to my F once about religion and he said he figured Jesus was a real guy who did a lot of great stuff but was probably not God in the flesh. I say this not to start a religious debate, but just to point out how completely strange and bizarre his activity was.
Anyways, just a stab in the dark based on your writings about H. As for being the WAS, don't even go there! Besides, if you are...then it doesn't sound like he's DBing very well!
Oh, to be clear, I DO think there's something wrong with h. His own L has told mine, the very same thing. That h is "so disorganized in thought, and won't focus except to complain about 25..."
Either he always had symptoms of whatever this ^^ is, and it's worsened or it's a new weird mental problem. H's mom was mentally ill and so was her mom and grandmother. (I swear I worried when I had a daughter, in case, you know?)
But h has always functioned well at work and been eccentric by some standards,
so maybe it's not the case. Of course he has supposedly officially quit his job in paradise Alaska. I simply don't know what his functioning is like now. His "MLC" 10 years ago was out of character in some respects. He stopped paying the bills on time and didn't tell me, and some bills he just dumped on me AGAIN without telling me. That was new behavior after 25 years of paying on time or early and it was part of why I thought MLC term might fit...so maybe every ten years he'll be an a$$.
You know, this is presently about survival for me. I have no control over h.
I did read about NPD and if I never looked at our past, during which I think he was a good h and father, I'd say there are parts of this that are very narcissistic.
If I only looked at his behavior the past decade - it has a lot of strange forms of manipulation and control, and subtle criticisms. And the fb post about how happy he is NOW strikes me as asinine, and or narcissistic. So over the top that I actually only had a gut punch for a few days. Then I stepped back and said "hey 25, this is weird as $hit. It's not about you and it's not about how 'happy' h is. It's over compensating or flaunting to hurt or whatever, but those behaviors are not a reflection on you."
And after awhile, those^^ words (mostly) sank in.
180---I hear you about the way to respond to the kids and not saying "that's all you need to know".
It's not the form of my answer I guess, so much as keeping them shut out. But it's not easy in terms of when they ask questions and the answer depends to an extent on what their dad does. My middle child is so pained by this that she does not speak of h at all, nor does she speak of the D, at all. she frequently calls to check on me and ask how I am and what I'm up to and is a little cheerleader for me
but she does not want to be in the middle of this. Our son asks direct questions and is very protective. Our youngest d is furious at h. She won't call him "dad" anymore, but calls him by his name...that is some anger.
When I look at h's history vis a vis d19, she has every right to be hurt and angry. But that's not my responsibility. They have clearly asked me not to defend him, to them. So I won't.
My guess is that he's blasted me to them, or whined or whatever & they don't want me to feel inappropriate loyalty. Maybe that's why they don't want me to defend him
OR maybe they see his behavior more clearly than I have in the past...
ugh!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
